Things I long to hear...

"I am not a guy who fights, but I should have fought for you..."

Today was a tough day, with a lot of thing I really need to think about. Some things that I cannot get out of my head.

I am so scared to be alone, but aren't I really alone already.

This is not where I wanted to be at almost 25.

I have fought for you, but all I hear is you are not sure.

Now I am not sure I want to wait to find out, because you should have fought for me.

I am not going to chase you...

I am not going to chase you. I am not going to continue to expect you to show up because you can't and you don't, ever. This is not a relationship we are in, this is you getting exactly what you want. Exactly what you have convinced yourself is what is going to make you happy and fix all of your problems. I am done chasing you, I am done trying to be the glue that olds our relationship together. I am letting go, I am trying to make myself happy. I love you, I will always love you. I thought you were the love of my life, I imagined my whole future with you and you just say things like " I am not sure what I want" "I don't know if I want to be with you". It makes me sick inside to even hear your voice in my head saying those things.

I want to let you go, we never see eachother, we dont talk, I feel like I have lost my best friend. But I don't even know you. Sometimes there is a glimmer of what I thought we had together, but if it is so easy for you to exclude me from your life. I want to believe the saying "if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it is yours forever" but what if i dont want to wait for that. We have been together for almost 4 years, if you dont know if you want to be with me now when will you ever know?

With everything that has happened and how many times you have lied to me I should be angry with you, why can't I be angry?

Things I need to get off my chest

So months ago, maybe no months LuLu did a great post where she wrote little snippets to people without saying who she was directly speaking to...I loved the idea so here goes.

You were wrong, I am lovable. I am not a fat cow and I am not alone. I have not been alone in years because I have some wonderful friends (if they live in this city or not). I never understood why you called me 20 times that night (you know the night, years after we saw eachother last) or why you have not called since but you were an asshole and for years I wished bad things for you. Now I know you were lashing out at me to look cool for the other kids.

I know you were unfaithful to me, I know you would lie to my face all the time but I think we both know I dished it back. But what you told me day in and day out has damaged me forever. Thank you for telling me all the time that you wouldnt love me if I gained weight. I was a college athlete, in better shape than most woman can dream of, but that was still never good enough for you. I know now that you were not enough for me and that I put up with your crap for far to long.

I remember now, what you did to me when I was five and you were ten and then again when we were older. I didn't until you made a joke about it, then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is not a joke. I thought for years that you and I had this amazing connection. It turns out you were just the first boy who kissed me, who did other things to me when I was all too young. I though you were the love of my life for over 15 years. Turns out, that was just a defense mechanism, to protect me from you. I convinced myself that you and I had a connection, well we do. But is is not one you should be proud of, what you did me has forever altered the way I see men and sex. All I wanted to do was be with you, the only thing I wanted to do was make you happy, but it was all a lie. I was too young for what you did to me, what you said I wanted you to do. Why can I not pull myself away from you.

You threated to kill me, why would I owe you an apology?



So I think that is enough for tonight, they are not well thought out and seem to ramble on. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

Lost...

I know I have been gone for a while, I am still struggling with what exactly I should be saying. Rather, what I want to be saying. 

I don't have clever TMI posts, or the secret project (not that I don't love those posts) but i have really been struggling to find my voice. 

I am going through a really rough or terrible  time in a relationship that has been a significant part of my life for the last four years. And I believe in signs, and I keep seeing signs to not give up, to hold on, to tough it out, but every time I think things cannot get any worse....they do. We try to communicate but there is so much baggage we individually carry that it is hard to get past those walls we both have built. 

I don't love myself and he doesn't know how to love anyone. Wonderful combination. 

I don't always want to write about this, but currently this is sort of my life. I feel foolish because I have lived in Dreamtown for two years, and I have made very few friends. I feel like I don't even remember how to make friends. I have friends from work but they are not the type of friends you share your whole life with, there are very few people I feel I can talk to who won't judge me. Not that I should care what people think. 

How do you get back to the beginning, without feeling like you are totally abandoning the other person? How do I make myself happy in this mess I have created? I changed my whole life's path for this relationship and for the life I thought it meant I would share with Officer. 

I was on the fast track in the advertising world (seriously) in the greatest city in America (and I don't mean NYC) and although Officer was not the entire reason I walked away from it all, he played a big part. Now I am in a much smaller city with an even smaller advertising community and it has made me feel lost in my career path because it is nothing like where I was before. You try to adapt and grow where the opportunities are but there  isn't the rush, the challenge, the change, the struggle to push yourself farther than you thought possible. 

In short I am utterly and completely .....L O S T