Wednesday, March 24, 2010

MVP no more

I continually find myself asking, how can life get any worse? And I really need to stop. Every time I ask myself that question another life altering event takes place. Seriously, I know they may not be life altering but right now they feel that way. I am not doing very well with the whole lets "focus on being grateful and positive" thing. Maybe after this post I will do better.

Anyway today was pretty rocky. I try not to talk about work on here, ok lets be serious Witty,  you don't talk about much of anything. Maybe I should. 

Anyway I work at this place, and remember the cash flow issues a month or so ago?? Well today MVP was let go...MVP kept me sane. And well today was her last day. Just like that G.O.N.E  I know she is not out of my life forever and I really think she can me a mentor to me for the rest of my life but it is really discouraging. And the job search, not going so well. I am looking pretty much all over the country....think happy thoughts....why are there no advertising agencies in the Virgin Islands? I am sure reps would love to come visit.

So lets recap, my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me repeatedly but kept saying he would change and like a crazy person I believed him. We broke up in November, didn't talk until after New Years. We spent too much time together in Feb, his grandmother dies, I try to be there for him with no avail (what I didn't mention this before...oh oops) so I decide what the hell. Keeping him in my life is more stress than it is worth right now. What exactly was I getting out of the situation, oh thats right..quiet you....anyway so I just stopped talking to him. Maybe that is not the most mature thing but I don't care. 'Cause at this point I am not sure I have anything else to say to him. And guess what, it has been two weeks and I have not heard from him either. What does that say?? I think it says I have been feeling less stressed because Officer is out of my life again and I should be happy. But it is still hard to be happy when you realize he has not tried to contact me either. I guess maybe he has moved on, or he became a hermit. Either way he won't be happy. Yes I can say that as a fact. Thanks for checking though, I know you are just looking out for me.

Monday, March 1, 2010

March Madness or the March of Change

I cannot believe that today is the first day of March. I am not sure where January and February went but they are gone.

I have been partaking in some pretty risky behavior for the past month and I am worried it is going to bite me in the butt.

The first weekend in February Officer asked me out to lunch on Sunday and we ended up spending the whole day and night together. It was nice but weird and I just felt strange. The sex was great as usual but it left me wondering what the fuck were we doing. I don't want to be his fuck buddy. I am not even sure I am ready to be friends. But it was just so nice, it felt safe and comfortable. There was no baggage between us, just two people spending time together.

We repeated this event the next weekend.

I was out of town for the next.

And then we repeated it yesterday. And it hits me. Why am I not hating this mans guts? Why do I even let him near me? Why am i so incapable of being angry with him? Lord know he has done enough to hurt me. I mean the song bad romance was written about us. Seriously.

So I put it out there, I told him, I don't trust him and I have reached my trust limit. And he says maybe we should slow down and in my head I am going. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to give you advice on dating other woman.

And I am not sure I want to give you a second chance. SO WHY am I spending time with him?

What the fuck are we doing?

Now tonight he is calling to ask me for favors, like we are friends or dating again. But what perks am I getting from dating him again? None so far that I can tell.