"I am not a guy who fights, but I should have fought for you..."
Today was a tough day, with a lot of thing I really need to think about. Some things that I cannot get out of my head.
I am so scared to be alone, but aren't I really alone already.
This is not where I wanted to be at almost 25.
I have fought for you, but all I hear is you are not sure.
Now I am not sure I want to wait to find out, because you should have fought for me.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I am not going to chase you...
I am not going to chase you. I am not going to continue to expect you to show up because you can't and you don't, ever. This is not a relationship we are in, this is you getting exactly what you want. Exactly what you have convinced yourself is what is going to make you happy and fix all of your problems. I am done chasing you, I am done trying to be the glue that olds our relationship together. I am letting go, I am trying to make myself happy. I love you, I will always love you. I thought you were the love of my life, I imagined my whole future with you and you just say things like " I am not sure what I want" "I don't know if I want to be with you". It makes me sick inside to even hear your voice in my head saying those things.
I want to let you go, we never see eachother, we dont talk, I feel like I have lost my best friend. But I don't even know you. Sometimes there is a glimmer of what I thought we had together, but if it is so easy for you to exclude me from your life. I want to believe the saying "if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it is yours forever" but what if i dont want to wait for that. We have been together for almost 4 years, if you dont know if you want to be with me now when will you ever know?
With everything that has happened and how many times you have lied to me I should be angry with you, why can't I be angry?
I want to let you go, we never see eachother, we dont talk, I feel like I have lost my best friend. But I don't even know you. Sometimes there is a glimmer of what I thought we had together, but if it is so easy for you to exclude me from your life. I want to believe the saying "if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it is yours forever" but what if i dont want to wait for that. We have been together for almost 4 years, if you dont know if you want to be with me now when will you ever know?
With everything that has happened and how many times you have lied to me I should be angry with you, why can't I be angry?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Things I need to get off my chest
So months ago, maybe no months LuLu did a great post where she wrote little snippets to people without saying who she was directly speaking to...I loved the idea so here goes.
You were wrong, I am lovable. I am not a fat cow and I am not alone. I have not been alone in years because I have some wonderful friends (if they live in this city or not). I never understood why you called me 20 times that night (you know the night, years after we saw eachother last) or why you have not called since but you were an asshole and for years I wished bad things for you. Now I know you were lashing out at me to look cool for the other kids.
I know you were unfaithful to me, I know you would lie to my face all the time but I think we both know I dished it back. But what you told me day in and day out has damaged me forever. Thank you for telling me all the time that you wouldnt love me if I gained weight. I was a college athlete, in better shape than most woman can dream of, but that was still never good enough for you. I know now that you were not enough for me and that I put up with your crap for far to long.
I remember now, what you did to me when I was five and you were ten and then again when we were older. I didn't until you made a joke about it, then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is not a joke. I thought for years that you and I had this amazing connection. It turns out you were just the first boy who kissed me, who did other things to me when I was all too young. I though you were the love of my life for over 15 years. Turns out, that was just a defense mechanism, to protect me from you. I convinced myself that you and I had a connection, well we do. But is is not one you should be proud of, what you did me has forever altered the way I see men and sex. All I wanted to do was be with you, the only thing I wanted to do was make you happy, but it was all a lie. I was too young for what you did to me, what you said I wanted you to do. Why can I not pull myself away from you.
You threated to kill me, why would I owe you an apology?
So I think that is enough for tonight, they are not well thought out and seem to ramble on. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.
You were wrong, I am lovable. I am not a fat cow and I am not alone. I have not been alone in years because I have some wonderful friends (if they live in this city or not). I never understood why you called me 20 times that night (you know the night, years after we saw eachother last) or why you have not called since but you were an asshole and for years I wished bad things for you. Now I know you were lashing out at me to look cool for the other kids.
I know you were unfaithful to me, I know you would lie to my face all the time but I think we both know I dished it back. But what you told me day in and day out has damaged me forever. Thank you for telling me all the time that you wouldnt love me if I gained weight. I was a college athlete, in better shape than most woman can dream of, but that was still never good enough for you. I know now that you were not enough for me and that I put up with your crap for far to long.
I remember now, what you did to me when I was five and you were ten and then again when we were older. I didn't until you made a joke about it, then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is not a joke. I thought for years that you and I had this amazing connection. It turns out you were just the first boy who kissed me, who did other things to me when I was all too young. I though you were the love of my life for over 15 years. Turns out, that was just a defense mechanism, to protect me from you. I convinced myself that you and I had a connection, well we do. But is is not one you should be proud of, what you did me has forever altered the way I see men and sex. All I wanted to do was be with you, the only thing I wanted to do was make you happy, but it was all a lie. I was too young for what you did to me, what you said I wanted you to do. Why can I not pull myself away from you.
You threated to kill me, why would I owe you an apology?
So I think that is enough for tonight, they are not well thought out and seem to ramble on. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Lost...
I know I have been gone for a while, I am still struggling with what exactly I should be saying. Rather, what I want to be saying.
I don't have clever TMI posts, or the secret project (not that I don't love those posts) but i have really been struggling to find my voice.
I am going through a really rough or terrible time in a relationship that has been a significant part of my life for the last four years. And I believe in signs, and I keep seeing signs to not give up, to hold on, to tough it out, but every time I think things cannot get any worse....they do. We try to communicate but there is so much baggage we individually carry that it is hard to get past those walls we both have built.
I don't love myself and he doesn't know how to love anyone. Wonderful combination.
I don't always want to write about this, but currently this is sort of my life. I feel foolish because I have lived in Dreamtown for two years, and I have made very few friends. I feel like I don't even remember how to make friends. I have friends from work but they are not the type of friends you share your whole life with, there are very few people I feel I can talk to who won't judge me. Not that I should care what people think.
How do you get back to the beginning, without feeling like you are totally abandoning the other person? How do I make myself happy in this mess I have created? I changed my whole life's path for this relationship and for the life I thought it meant I would share with Officer.
I was on the fast track in the advertising world (seriously) in the greatest city in America (and I don't mean NYC) and although Officer was not the entire reason I walked away from it all, he played a big part. Now I am in a much smaller city with an even smaller advertising community and it has made me feel lost in my career path because it is nothing like where I was before. You try to adapt and grow where the opportunities are but there isn't the rush, the challenge, the change, the struggle to push yourself farther than you thought possible.
In short I am utterly and completely .....L O S T
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Blast from the past
Yesterday I received a very interesting message on facebook. It was an absolute blast from the past.
"So, I'm supposed to be studying for my Nursing midterm but instead I decided to clean out all my old junk I have stored. I came across a box I had saved with stuff that apparently I found it important to save from grade school. On the top was a pack of pictures from a "photo shoot" we did in you room which really made me laugh. However, the next thing underneath it was a letter from you. I know this probably doesn't mean anything now but I was really hateful to you and I'm sorry. Looking back I was a bitch and for no good reason and I'm sorry. I think I was just trying to find my place and fit in but on the way there I actually lost myself. You were probably the best friend I had those years. You don't have to reply or anything I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the way I acted and that I wasn't a better friend to you back then."
It is the truth, she made my life hell, not only in grade school but also my freshman year of high school. I am not going to lie, I am still bitter about some of the things she did. So my question is, highschool is long over, nothing can ever be undone, should I let it all go? It probably took a lot for her to send me that message. I have moved past things, but does it warrant a response? I dont see us ever becoming close friends again, we dont live in the same city and have not run in the same circle for years. If I did respond, what the ef would I say?
"So, I'm supposed to be studying for my Nursing midterm but instead I decided to clean out all my old junk I have stored. I came across a box I had saved with stuff that apparently I found it important to save from grade school. On the top was a pack of pictures from a "photo shoot" we did in you room which really made me laugh. However, the next thing underneath it was a letter from you. I know this probably doesn't mean anything now but I was really hateful to you and I'm sorry. Looking back I was a bitch and for no good reason and I'm sorry. I think I was just trying to find my place and fit in but on the way there I actually lost myself. You were probably the best friend I had those years. You don't have to reply or anything I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the way I acted and that I wasn't a better friend to you back then."
It is the truth, she made my life hell, not only in grade school but also my freshman year of high school. I am not going to lie, I am still bitter about some of the things she did. So my question is, highschool is long over, nothing can ever be undone, should I let it all go? It probably took a lot for her to send me that message. I have moved past things, but does it warrant a response? I dont see us ever becoming close friends again, we dont live in the same city and have not run in the same circle for years. If I did respond, what the ef would I say?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
So I have been struggling with what to post about next because so much has happened, I just don't know how to put it into words. But I found this poem by Charles C. Finn that I like. It is rather long but bear with me.
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off, and non of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is a mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend , to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and i know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate my from myself,
that I am really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to place superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings,
very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch my into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--a honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong alls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and i am every woman you meet.
My life has been full of a series of abusive relationships, and I am trying to throw myself into recovery. I am not sure what that word recovery means but I am tried of being a door mate.
I still worry about posting extremely personal stuff here for fear of judgment or lack of interest. But I think that is something I need to get over. I should not care if people read what I have to say or not, as long as I say it out loud where others might hear it.
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off, and non of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is a mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend , to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and i know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate my from myself,
that I am really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to place superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings,
very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch my into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--a honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong alls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and i am every woman you meet.
My life has been full of a series of abusive relationships, and I am trying to throw myself into recovery. I am not sure what that word recovery means but I am tried of being a door mate.
I still worry about posting extremely personal stuff here for fear of judgment or lack of interest. But I think that is something I need to get over. I should not care if people read what I have to say or not, as long as I say it out loud where others might hear it.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Kreativ
Thank you to Rich at New Dollian I officially feel like a "real" blogger.
I have been tagged as Kreativ.
7 Things I love
1. Music
2. Swimming
3. Reading Everything in sight
4. Sailing
5. Photography
6. The Ocean
7. The buzz of making a new connection and a new friend (good one Rich)
7 Bloggers I love
1. Blondie @ A Blondie Moment
2.
5. LiLu @ LiveitLoveit
6. Here are the award rules:
List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!
I dont know how to tag people other than what I just did.
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