Liar.

Dear Officer,  

 

 

You lied and said you were an innocent man but you're not. and you have not been for a long time. 

Love, 

Witty

Let Go.

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can’t control another.

To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ‘let go’ is not to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To ‘let go’ is not to care for, but to care about.

To ‘let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To ‘let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.

To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ‘let go’ is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To ‘let go’ is to fear less, and love more.

If I had a computer I would post more

So as you can tell, July 1st is the last time my personal computer has worked. So much has happened since then and I feel like I have really lost touch with the blogesphere. I will try to do better. Besides I am changing my life for the better. I am going to live in the now and not in the past for the future. Just for right now.

I have learned that for the last few years I have not been respecting myself (at all, seriously). I have been putting the needs of others so far above my own that I cannot even identify what my needs are. And guess what, if you don't know what your needs are, how are you ever going to know what your true feelings are. The next few months are about finding clarity, about finding myself.

If i really put my life out there, maybe it will force me to learn who I am again?

Here goes nothing...

Twenty One

Dear 21 doctors I have seen in the last 4 years.

Why did it take number 22 to figure out what is wrong with me? Why is my syndrome found with a simple blood test that none of you bothered to perform? Did you know that the longer this syndrome goes untreated, the more damage it can do to the body? The more catastrophic affects it can have on my future??

Four fucking years of my life I had to live with people telling me…diet and exercise, there is nothing wrong with you. How many different 24 hour urine tests did I do? How many times did you take my blood, perform extremely painful tests and come back and tell me everything was normal? How many different times did I tell my story, how many times did I get the look? You know the look that you gave me, the look do the work to make yourself feel better I cannot find anything wrong with you.

You are lazy; you always looked at the one easy answer and didn’t bother to actually listen to what I am saying. I know my body and I knew something was wrong. After four years you not only put me through hell but you made me doubt myself, doubt what I knew with all of my heart to be true. I hate to admit it but I had given up, I had lost all hope that anything was ever going to happen to shine some light on what was happening to me. And it made me hate myself. So now we have not believing in myself, hating myself and add to that not being able to stand to see myself in the mirror and you have a pretty fucked up individual.

Because of this I am angry, so angry but I don’t know how to be angry. I want to scream out loud, I want to tear things apart, I want to make my pulse race. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing still but my body is violently shaking as I scream so loud all the glass around me shatters.

I can’t even cry about it, I don’t even know how to process what has happened in the last week. With one test and one letter, it feels like my whole life should have changed. I should be able to breath but I am wound so tight I cannot. I cannot even get close to feeling what I should be feeling now that I know.

Four years of my life gone, that I can never get back, I feel like you stole them from me. You robbed me of things I could have had, you robbed me of my self-confidence, my ability to let things roll off of my shoulders. You make me feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t know how to get angry, but I wish I did.

So 21 doctors...go fuck yourselves, you make a mockery of your profession. Cases like mine should be what you live for, not what you brush off and push out the door.

I know I have been gone...

but if I could crawl out of my skin right now I would.

Things I long to hear...

"I am not a guy who fights, but I should have fought for you..."

Today was a tough day, with a lot of thing I really need to think about. Some things that I cannot get out of my head.

I am so scared to be alone, but aren't I really alone already.

This is not where I wanted to be at almost 25.

I have fought for you, but all I hear is you are not sure.

Now I am not sure I want to wait to find out, because you should have fought for me.

I am not going to chase you...

I am not going to chase you. I am not going to continue to expect you to show up because you can't and you don't, ever. This is not a relationship we are in, this is you getting exactly what you want. Exactly what you have convinced yourself is what is going to make you happy and fix all of your problems. I am done chasing you, I am done trying to be the glue that olds our relationship together. I am letting go, I am trying to make myself happy. I love you, I will always love you. I thought you were the love of my life, I imagined my whole future with you and you just say things like " I am not sure what I want" "I don't know if I want to be with you". It makes me sick inside to even hear your voice in my head saying those things.

I want to let you go, we never see eachother, we dont talk, I feel like I have lost my best friend. But I don't even know you. Sometimes there is a glimmer of what I thought we had together, but if it is so easy for you to exclude me from your life. I want to believe the saying "if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it is yours forever" but what if i dont want to wait for that. We have been together for almost 4 years, if you dont know if you want to be with me now when will you ever know?

With everything that has happened and how many times you have lied to me I should be angry with you, why can't I be angry?