Love Harder.

please check THIS out.

Apparently my post about 2009 really pissed off 2010.

So far this year....

I have had a great encounter with Officer that I thought changed things but just turned into a muddy emotional mess so we decided not to talk again.

I have had a life threatening kidney infection that would have never been found if I didn't go to the emergency room for a kidney stone. Seriously...how is it possible that my body showed no outward signs of this infection.

Because of this infection I have had to miss work a lot of work which I hate.

Because of this infection I broke down and called Officer again, he came and sat with me all night in the hospital. I thought it meant more than it did so I feel like we are breaking up all over again.

(as a side note while I was high off my ass on pain killers and he was sitting there with me, I had a moment of undefinable clarity...he is not the man for me. How can I have been that clear, I knew it in my heart of heart and now sober again I cannot seem to get back to that place? I just cannot seem to get my heart in line with my head.)

Because of this infection I have not been able to get clear perspective on thing and have become overly emotional. Seriously I cry about everything.

I didn't really feel like my world was crashing down but I got an email from a friend telling me that it was...funny. I mean yes I have not have the best few months, hell lets be honest I have not had the best 2 years. Yeah some things are good but why in life does it always seem that we cannot have everything working out at once? When have I paid enough?

Let me tell you this, I will certainly be able to appreciate the good so much more once I get it.

2009

Dear 2009,

You can go fuck yourself. Seriously.

I learned a lot about myself in 2009 but none of it was easy to learn and most of it was me just being pathetic and not respecting myself.  Much of the early part of the year until spring is a blur of self doubt and pain. Pain I could have easily walked away from but I didn't know how to put myself first. Spring and part of summer I lived in denial, I pretended things that were happening weren't or that they didn't matter. But they did and it cost me even more than the earlier months of the year. Then July happened. I turned 25 and hit a personal low with Officer. Still I stayed. Still I tried. Still I sacrificed...thinking it was enough that he would change and see the light.

The fall was a blur of mistakes and mistrust. Of drowning in my own denial and misery.

November, the end. It was over, Officer said he didn't love me anymore, and that he hadn't for a long time. I know what really happened, he fell for someone else and it had been going on and off for a better part of the year. And it had been killing me, I had been killing me. I had been the one giving everything up where he just believed we could go on being friends. I was addicted to the pain, I was addicted to him. Like all good addictions, you must go stone cold sober to actually let go.

Without Trust there is NO love. I know it is drilled into our heads but believe you me. There is no truer statement on earth. And I cannot believe how long it took me to believe it. 


There is no point in retelling any more of the story of 2009. It knows what happened and it knows what I have now left behind.

So I will say it again, 2009, you can go fuck yourself and never come back. I am glad you are over and I am glad I never have to see you again. I am hoping I never allow myself to become that low again. I am stronger because of you but pieces of me are still so broken that I know I am no where near putting myself back together.

~Witty

My goals for 2010 are simple:
1. To put myself first and never let my self respect take a back seat
2. To move on from Officer, even if I do hope he misses me terribly and suffers badly for years.
3. Get back in shape, good shape.
4. To figure out what I want out of life.

Liar.

Dear Officer,  

 

 

You lied and said you were an innocent man but you're not. and you have not been for a long time. 

Love, 

Witty

Let Go.

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can’t control another.

To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ‘let go’ is not to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To ‘let go’ is not to care for, but to care about.

To ‘let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To ‘let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.

To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ‘let go’ is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To ‘let go’ is to fear less, and love more.

If I had a computer I would post more

So as you can tell, July 1st is the last time my personal computer has worked. So much has happened since then and I feel like I have really lost touch with the blogesphere. I will try to do better. Besides I am changing my life for the better. I am going to live in the now and not in the past for the future. Just for right now.

I have learned that for the last few years I have not been respecting myself (at all, seriously). I have been putting the needs of others so far above my own that I cannot even identify what my needs are. And guess what, if you don't know what your needs are, how are you ever going to know what your true feelings are. The next few months are about finding clarity, about finding myself.

If i really put my life out there, maybe it will force me to learn who I am again?

Here goes nothing...

Twenty One

Dear 21 doctors I have seen in the last 4 years.

Why did it take number 22 to figure out what is wrong with me? Why is my syndrome found with a simple blood test that none of you bothered to perform? Did you know that the longer this syndrome goes untreated, the more damage it can do to the body? The more catastrophic affects it can have on my future??

Four fucking years of my life I had to live with people telling me…diet and exercise, there is nothing wrong with you. How many different 24 hour urine tests did I do? How many times did you take my blood, perform extremely painful tests and come back and tell me everything was normal? How many different times did I tell my story, how many times did I get the look? You know the look that you gave me, the look do the work to make yourself feel better I cannot find anything wrong with you.

You are lazy; you always looked at the one easy answer and didn’t bother to actually listen to what I am saying. I know my body and I knew something was wrong. After four years you not only put me through hell but you made me doubt myself, doubt what I knew with all of my heart to be true. I hate to admit it but I had given up, I had lost all hope that anything was ever going to happen to shine some light on what was happening to me. And it made me hate myself. So now we have not believing in myself, hating myself and add to that not being able to stand to see myself in the mirror and you have a pretty fucked up individual.

Because of this I am angry, so angry but I don’t know how to be angry. I want to scream out loud, I want to tear things apart, I want to make my pulse race. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing still but my body is violently shaking as I scream so loud all the glass around me shatters.

I can’t even cry about it, I don’t even know how to process what has happened in the last week. With one test and one letter, it feels like my whole life should have changed. I should be able to breath but I am wound so tight I cannot. I cannot even get close to feeling what I should be feeling now that I know.

Four years of my life gone, that I can never get back, I feel like you stole them from me. You robbed me of things I could have had, you robbed me of my self-confidence, my ability to let things roll off of my shoulders. You make me feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t know how to get angry, but I wish I did.

So 21 doctors...go fuck yourselves, you make a mockery of your profession. Cases like mine should be what you live for, not what you brush off and push out the door.