If you miss me you can find me....

http://26facethefear.blogspot.com/

I wanted to start over, I hated this blog and where it was going but I feel like I need a creative outlet in my life. Please come find me...I miss you too.

Tomorrow

In just a few short hours, it will be the first Monday of my first week of unemployment. I went from one side of a statistic to another in an instant. I knew it was coming, I was not surprised but I, like many americans and maybe even readers, was hoping to have something else lined up before the inevitable loss of income arrived.

Now I have to face some tough choices...
Do I sublease my apartment and move in with Offer's Mother?
Do I wait it out? Do I look in other cities?
Do I move home, with my parents and their zoo of a house?

All these questions running through my head at this moment and I don't have an answer to a single one.

But I guess that is why tomorrow is day one.

MVP no more

I continually find myself asking, how can life get any worse? And I really need to stop. Every time I ask myself that question another life altering event takes place. Seriously, I know they may not be life altering but right now they feel that way. I am not doing very well with the whole lets "focus on being grateful and positive" thing. Maybe after this post I will do better.

Anyway today was pretty rocky. I try not to talk about work on here, ok lets be serious Witty,  you don't talk about much of anything. Maybe I should. 

Anyway I work at this place, and remember the cash flow issues a month or so ago?? Well today MVP was let go...MVP kept me sane. And well today was her last day. Just like that G.O.N.E  I know she is not out of my life forever and I really think she can me a mentor to me for the rest of my life but it is really discouraging. And the job search, not going so well. I am looking pretty much all over the country....think happy thoughts....why are there no advertising agencies in the Virgin Islands? I am sure reps would love to come visit.

So lets recap, my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me repeatedly but kept saying he would change and like a crazy person I believed him. We broke up in November, didn't talk until after New Years. We spent too much time together in Feb, his grandmother dies, I try to be there for him with no avail (what I didn't mention this before...oh oops) so I decide what the hell. Keeping him in my life is more stress than it is worth right now. What exactly was I getting out of the situation, oh thats right..quiet you....anyway so I just stopped talking to him. Maybe that is not the most mature thing but I don't care. 'Cause at this point I am not sure I have anything else to say to him. And guess what, it has been two weeks and I have not heard from him either. What does that say?? I think it says I have been feeling less stressed because Officer is out of my life again and I should be happy. But it is still hard to be happy when you realize he has not tried to contact me either. I guess maybe he has moved on, or he became a hermit. Either way he won't be happy. Yes I can say that as a fact. Thanks for checking though, I know you are just looking out for me.

March Madness or the March of Change

I cannot believe that today is the first day of March. I am not sure where January and February went but they are gone.

I have been partaking in some pretty risky behavior for the past month and I am worried it is going to bite me in the butt.

The first weekend in February Officer asked me out to lunch on Sunday and we ended up spending the whole day and night together. It was nice but weird and I just felt strange. The sex was great as usual but it left me wondering what the fuck were we doing. I don't want to be his fuck buddy. I am not even sure I am ready to be friends. But it was just so nice, it felt safe and comfortable. There was no baggage between us, just two people spending time together.

We repeated this event the next weekend.

I was out of town for the next.

And then we repeated it yesterday. And it hits me. Why am I not hating this mans guts? Why do I even let him near me? Why am i so incapable of being angry with him? Lord know he has done enough to hurt me. I mean the song bad romance was written about us. Seriously.

So I put it out there, I told him, I don't trust him and I have reached my trust limit. And he says maybe we should slow down and in my head I am going. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to give you advice on dating other woman.

And I am not sure I want to give you a second chance. SO WHY am I spending time with him?

What the fuck are we doing?

Now tonight he is calling to ask me for favors, like we are friends or dating again. But what perks am I getting from dating him again? None so far that I can tell.

I realize I don't post often

I realize I don't post often, that has probably cost me what little readers I had. But I will be honest, blogging just was not a big part of my life. I really started a blog more to have something to direct people to if I left them comments.

That was not the original reason I started this, I started this to get over a boy, a man really, a man who I thought was the man. But it was more than that, it was about getting my life back. Really making it my life, taking control, being true to myself.

I have been caught up in life and again not really taking care of myself. Sure, I make sure my basic needs are met, food, water, sleep, sex well maybe not so much in the sex department. But am I exercising like I should? Am I doing things to enrich my mind and to awaken my soul? Doesn't feel like it. It feels like I have fallen back into old patterns.

I have become complacent with my life again.

I accept what every day brings without trying to shape or mold it into things that I want for myself. Not in a sick way of thinking that I can control everything that happens to me, or anyone around me. More in a way of actually having goals and wanting things for myself and for no other reason other than that I want them, and they will make me a better person.

Changes

It is hard to be clever about this situation.

There has been a lot of drama in the world of employment this past week for me. Without getting into specifics my place of employment took a big hit in cash flow. Turmoil has ensued and half the agency was let go, including my partner in crime Loride.

But the good vibes paid off, I didn't lose my job. I feel like I should take it as a complement, my work speaks for it self, but slight survivor guilt is a bitch. Actually, I was the only non director/VP to keep their job but my work load has quadrupled. And if we cannot drum up some new cash in the next 90 days I could still be let go, the whole company could go under. Being an adult blows sometimes.

I am not sure if this is the short straw or the long straw? Either way I am thankful I have a job still, but it has really made me think about things. Do I really still want this job? Am I going to be happy in this job in 6 months? Am I still growing at this company? Then there is the big one...what in the heck would I want to do if I was not doing this??

I know some of the answers... Yes, I still want this job, at least until I have the chance to find something better. I don't know if I am going to be happy at this job in 6 months anymore, I thought I was going to be when the direction of the company was clear. Truth be told, I have been bored, I felt stagnate and I was having trouble figuring out how to dig myself out of the rut I was in then. Everything has changed now, I am hoping that this new circumstance will bring all sorts of new experience that will make my resume nice and shinny for the future.

Day four was rough, but I am trying to be positive. That is my goal this year, to try to turn everything I can into a positive, to see the good in life and to make the most of it.

Maybe I am trying to make myself into an optimist (here's hoping).

Good Vibes

If I asked you to send me good vibes without telling you what they are for, would you? 

I am not ready to talk about everything that has been going on but I really really need some good vibes right now. 

Please hope and pray that everything works out for the best. 

Love Harder.

please check THIS out.

Apparently my post about 2009 really pissed off 2010.

So far this year....

I have had a great encounter with Officer that I thought changed things but just turned into a muddy emotional mess so we decided not to talk again.

I have had a life threatening kidney infection that would have never been found if I didn't go to the emergency room for a kidney stone. Seriously...how is it possible that my body showed no outward signs of this infection.

Because of this infection I have had to miss work a lot of work which I hate.

Because of this infection I broke down and called Officer again, he came and sat with me all night in the hospital. I thought it meant more than it did so I feel like we are breaking up all over again.

(as a side note while I was high off my ass on pain killers and he was sitting there with me, I had a moment of undefinable clarity...he is not the man for me. How can I have been that clear, I knew it in my heart of heart and now sober again I cannot seem to get back to that place? I just cannot seem to get my heart in line with my head.)

Because of this infection I have not been able to get clear perspective on thing and have become overly emotional. Seriously I cry about everything.

I didn't really feel like my world was crashing down but I got an email from a friend telling me that it was...funny. I mean yes I have not have the best few months, hell lets be honest I have not had the best 2 years. Yeah some things are good but why in life does it always seem that we cannot have everything working out at once? When have I paid enough?

Let me tell you this, I will certainly be able to appreciate the good so much more once I get it.

2009

Dear 2009,

You can go fuck yourself. Seriously.

I learned a lot about myself in 2009 but none of it was easy to learn and most of it was me just being pathetic and not respecting myself.  Much of the early part of the year until spring is a blur of self doubt and pain. Pain I could have easily walked away from but I didn't know how to put myself first. Spring and part of summer I lived in denial, I pretended things that were happening weren't or that they didn't matter. But they did and it cost me even more than the earlier months of the year. Then July happened. I turned 25 and hit a personal low with Officer. Still I stayed. Still I tried. Still I sacrificed...thinking it was enough that he would change and see the light.

The fall was a blur of mistakes and mistrust. Of drowning in my own denial and misery.

November, the end. It was over, Officer said he didn't love me anymore, and that he hadn't for a long time. I know what really happened, he fell for someone else and it had been going on and off for a better part of the year. And it had been killing me, I had been killing me. I had been the one giving everything up where he just believed we could go on being friends. I was addicted to the pain, I was addicted to him. Like all good addictions, you must go stone cold sober to actually let go.

Without Trust there is NO love. I know it is drilled into our heads but believe you me. There is no truer statement on earth. And I cannot believe how long it took me to believe it. 


There is no point in retelling any more of the story of 2009. It knows what happened and it knows what I have now left behind.

So I will say it again, 2009, you can go fuck yourself and never come back. I am glad you are over and I am glad I never have to see you again. I am hoping I never allow myself to become that low again. I am stronger because of you but pieces of me are still so broken that I know I am no where near putting myself back together.

~Witty

My goals for 2010 are simple:
1. To put myself first and never let my self respect take a back seat
2. To move on from Officer, even if I do hope he misses me terribly and suffers badly for years.
3. Get back in shape, good shape.
4. To figure out what I want out of life.

Liar.

Dear Officer,  

 

 

You lied and said you were an innocent man but you're not. and you have not been for a long time. 

Love, 

Witty

Let Go.

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can’t control another.

To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ‘let go’ is not to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To ‘let go’ is not to care for, but to care about.

To ‘let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To ‘let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.

To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ‘let go’ is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To ‘let go’ is to fear less, and love more.

If I had a computer I would post more

So as you can tell, July 1st is the last time my personal computer has worked. So much has happened since then and I feel like I have really lost touch with the blogesphere. I will try to do better. Besides I am changing my life for the better. I am going to live in the now and not in the past for the future. Just for right now.

I have learned that for the last few years I have not been respecting myself (at all, seriously). I have been putting the needs of others so far above my own that I cannot even identify what my needs are. And guess what, if you don't know what your needs are, how are you ever going to know what your true feelings are. The next few months are about finding clarity, about finding myself.

If i really put my life out there, maybe it will force me to learn who I am again?

Here goes nothing...

Twenty One

Dear 21 doctors I have seen in the last 4 years.

Why did it take number 22 to figure out what is wrong with me? Why is my syndrome found with a simple blood test that none of you bothered to perform? Did you know that the longer this syndrome goes untreated, the more damage it can do to the body? The more catastrophic affects it can have on my future??

Four fucking years of my life I had to live with people telling me…diet and exercise, there is nothing wrong with you. How many different 24 hour urine tests did I do? How many times did you take my blood, perform extremely painful tests and come back and tell me everything was normal? How many different times did I tell my story, how many times did I get the look? You know the look that you gave me, the look do the work to make yourself feel better I cannot find anything wrong with you.

You are lazy; you always looked at the one easy answer and didn’t bother to actually listen to what I am saying. I know my body and I knew something was wrong. After four years you not only put me through hell but you made me doubt myself, doubt what I knew with all of my heart to be true. I hate to admit it but I had given up, I had lost all hope that anything was ever going to happen to shine some light on what was happening to me. And it made me hate myself. So now we have not believing in myself, hating myself and add to that not being able to stand to see myself in the mirror and you have a pretty fucked up individual.

Because of this I am angry, so angry but I don’t know how to be angry. I want to scream out loud, I want to tear things apart, I want to make my pulse race. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing still but my body is violently shaking as I scream so loud all the glass around me shatters.

I can’t even cry about it, I don’t even know how to process what has happened in the last week. With one test and one letter, it feels like my whole life should have changed. I should be able to breath but I am wound so tight I cannot. I cannot even get close to feeling what I should be feeling now that I know.

Four years of my life gone, that I can never get back, I feel like you stole them from me. You robbed me of things I could have had, you robbed me of my self-confidence, my ability to let things roll off of my shoulders. You make me feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t know how to get angry, but I wish I did.

So 21 doctors...go fuck yourselves, you make a mockery of your profession. Cases like mine should be what you live for, not what you brush off and push out the door.

I know I have been gone...

but if I could crawl out of my skin right now I would.

Things I long to hear...

"I am not a guy who fights, but I should have fought for you..."

Today was a tough day, with a lot of thing I really need to think about. Some things that I cannot get out of my head.

I am so scared to be alone, but aren't I really alone already.

This is not where I wanted to be at almost 25.

I have fought for you, but all I hear is you are not sure.

Now I am not sure I want to wait to find out, because you should have fought for me.

I am not going to chase you...

I am not going to chase you. I am not going to continue to expect you to show up because you can't and you don't, ever. This is not a relationship we are in, this is you getting exactly what you want. Exactly what you have convinced yourself is what is going to make you happy and fix all of your problems. I am done chasing you, I am done trying to be the glue that olds our relationship together. I am letting go, I am trying to make myself happy. I love you, I will always love you. I thought you were the love of my life, I imagined my whole future with you and you just say things like " I am not sure what I want" "I don't know if I want to be with you". It makes me sick inside to even hear your voice in my head saying those things.

I want to let you go, we never see eachother, we dont talk, I feel like I have lost my best friend. But I don't even know you. Sometimes there is a glimmer of what I thought we had together, but if it is so easy for you to exclude me from your life. I want to believe the saying "if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it is yours forever" but what if i dont want to wait for that. We have been together for almost 4 years, if you dont know if you want to be with me now when will you ever know?

With everything that has happened and how many times you have lied to me I should be angry with you, why can't I be angry?

Things I need to get off my chest

So months ago, maybe no months LuLu did a great post where she wrote little snippets to people without saying who she was directly speaking to...I loved the idea so here goes.

You were wrong, I am lovable. I am not a fat cow and I am not alone. I have not been alone in years because I have some wonderful friends (if they live in this city or not). I never understood why you called me 20 times that night (you know the night, years after we saw eachother last) or why you have not called since but you were an asshole and for years I wished bad things for you. Now I know you were lashing out at me to look cool for the other kids.

I know you were unfaithful to me, I know you would lie to my face all the time but I think we both know I dished it back. But what you told me day in and day out has damaged me forever. Thank you for telling me all the time that you wouldnt love me if I gained weight. I was a college athlete, in better shape than most woman can dream of, but that was still never good enough for you. I know now that you were not enough for me and that I put up with your crap for far to long.

I remember now, what you did to me when I was five and you were ten and then again when we were older. I didn't until you made a joke about it, then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is not a joke. I thought for years that you and I had this amazing connection. It turns out you were just the first boy who kissed me, who did other things to me when I was all too young. I though you were the love of my life for over 15 years. Turns out, that was just a defense mechanism, to protect me from you. I convinced myself that you and I had a connection, well we do. But is is not one you should be proud of, what you did me has forever altered the way I see men and sex. All I wanted to do was be with you, the only thing I wanted to do was make you happy, but it was all a lie. I was too young for what you did to me, what you said I wanted you to do. Why can I not pull myself away from you.

You threated to kill me, why would I owe you an apology?



So I think that is enough for tonight, they are not well thought out and seem to ramble on. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

Lost...

I know I have been gone for a while, I am still struggling with what exactly I should be saying. Rather, what I want to be saying. 

I don't have clever TMI posts, or the secret project (not that I don't love those posts) but i have really been struggling to find my voice. 

I am going through a really rough or terrible  time in a relationship that has been a significant part of my life for the last four years. And I believe in signs, and I keep seeing signs to not give up, to hold on, to tough it out, but every time I think things cannot get any worse....they do. We try to communicate but there is so much baggage we individually carry that it is hard to get past those walls we both have built. 

I don't love myself and he doesn't know how to love anyone. Wonderful combination. 

I don't always want to write about this, but currently this is sort of my life. I feel foolish because I have lived in Dreamtown for two years, and I have made very few friends. I feel like I don't even remember how to make friends. I have friends from work but they are not the type of friends you share your whole life with, there are very few people I feel I can talk to who won't judge me. Not that I should care what people think. 

How do you get back to the beginning, without feeling like you are totally abandoning the other person? How do I make myself happy in this mess I have created? I changed my whole life's path for this relationship and for the life I thought it meant I would share with Officer. 

I was on the fast track in the advertising world (seriously) in the greatest city in America (and I don't mean NYC) and although Officer was not the entire reason I walked away from it all, he played a big part. Now I am in a much smaller city with an even smaller advertising community and it has made me feel lost in my career path because it is nothing like where I was before. You try to adapt and grow where the opportunities are but there  isn't the rush, the challenge, the change, the struggle to push yourself farther than you thought possible. 

In short I am utterly and completely .....L O S T 

Blast from the past

Yesterday I received a very interesting message on facebook. It was an absolute blast from the past.

"So, I'm supposed to be studying for my Nursing midterm but instead I decided to clean out all my old junk I have stored. I came across a box I had saved with stuff that apparently I found it important to save from grade school. On the top was a pack of pictures from a "photo shoot" we did in you room which really made me laugh. However, the next thing underneath it was a letter from you. I know this probably doesn't mean anything now but I was really hateful to you and I'm sorry. Looking back I was a bitch and for no good reason and I'm sorry. I think I was just trying to find my place and fit in but on the way there I actually lost myself. You were probably the best friend I had those years. You don't have to reply or anything I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the way I acted and that I wasn't a better friend to you back then."

It is the truth, she made my life hell, not only in grade school but also my freshman year of high school. I am not going to lie, I am still bitter about some of the things she did. So my question is, highschool is long over, nothing can ever be undone, should I let it all go? It probably took a lot for her to send me that message. I have moved past things, but does it warrant a response? I dont see us ever becoming close friends again, we dont live in the same city and have not run in the same circle for years. If I did respond, what the ef would I say?