Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Twenty One

Dear 21 doctors I have seen in the last 4 years.

Why did it take number 22 to figure out what is wrong with me? Why is my syndrome found with a simple blood test that none of you bothered to perform? Did you know that the longer this syndrome goes untreated, the more damage it can do to the body? The more catastrophic affects it can have on my future??

Four fucking years of my life I had to live with people telling me…diet and exercise, there is nothing wrong with you. How many different 24 hour urine tests did I do? How many times did you take my blood, perform extremely painful tests and come back and tell me everything was normal? How many different times did I tell my story, how many times did I get the look? You know the look that you gave me, the look do the work to make yourself feel better I cannot find anything wrong with you.

You are lazy; you always looked at the one easy answer and didn’t bother to actually listen to what I am saying. I know my body and I knew something was wrong. After four years you not only put me through hell but you made me doubt myself, doubt what I knew with all of my heart to be true. I hate to admit it but I had given up, I had lost all hope that anything was ever going to happen to shine some light on what was happening to me. And it made me hate myself. So now we have not believing in myself, hating myself and add to that not being able to stand to see myself in the mirror and you have a pretty fucked up individual.

Because of this I am angry, so angry but I don’t know how to be angry. I want to scream out loud, I want to tear things apart, I want to make my pulse race. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing still but my body is violently shaking as I scream so loud all the glass around me shatters.

I can’t even cry about it, I don’t even know how to process what has happened in the last week. With one test and one letter, it feels like my whole life should have changed. I should be able to breath but I am wound so tight I cannot. I cannot even get close to feeling what I should be feeling now that I know.

Four years of my life gone, that I can never get back, I feel like you stole them from me. You robbed me of things I could have had, you robbed me of my self-confidence, my ability to let things roll off of my shoulders. You make me feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t know how to get angry, but I wish I did.

So 21 doctors...go fuck yourselves, you make a mockery of your profession. Cases like mine should be what you live for, not what you brush off and push out the door.


  1. I'm glad you at least found out what it was. You didn't give up completely, and because of that, you found number 22. Good for you for continuing to listen to yourself, even when no one else did...

  2. I am so glad for you, was always worried about asking, glad you got your answer