If you miss me you can find me....

http://26facethefear.blogspot.com/

I wanted to start over, I hated this blog and where it was going but I feel like I need a creative outlet in my life. Please come find me...I miss you too.

Tomorrow

In just a few short hours, it will be the first Monday of my first week of unemployment. I went from one side of a statistic to another in an instant. I knew it was coming, I was not surprised but I, like many americans and maybe even readers, was hoping to have something else lined up before the inevitable loss of income arrived.

Now I have to face some tough choices...
Do I sublease my apartment and move in with Offer's Mother?
Do I wait it out? Do I look in other cities?
Do I move home, with my parents and their zoo of a house?

All these questions running through my head at this moment and I don't have an answer to a single one.

But I guess that is why tomorrow is day one.

MVP no more

I continually find myself asking, how can life get any worse? And I really need to stop. Every time I ask myself that question another life altering event takes place. Seriously, I know they may not be life altering but right now they feel that way. I am not doing very well with the whole lets "focus on being grateful and positive" thing. Maybe after this post I will do better.

Anyway today was pretty rocky. I try not to talk about work on here, ok lets be serious Witty,  you don't talk about much of anything. Maybe I should. 

Anyway I work at this place, and remember the cash flow issues a month or so ago?? Well today MVP was let go...MVP kept me sane. And well today was her last day. Just like that G.O.N.E  I know she is not out of my life forever and I really think she can me a mentor to me for the rest of my life but it is really discouraging. And the job search, not going so well. I am looking pretty much all over the country....think happy thoughts....why are there no advertising agencies in the Virgin Islands? I am sure reps would love to come visit.

So lets recap, my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me repeatedly but kept saying he would change and like a crazy person I believed him. We broke up in November, didn't talk until after New Years. We spent too much time together in Feb, his grandmother dies, I try to be there for him with no avail (what I didn't mention this before...oh oops) so I decide what the hell. Keeping him in my life is more stress than it is worth right now. What exactly was I getting out of the situation, oh thats right..quiet you....anyway so I just stopped talking to him. Maybe that is not the most mature thing but I don't care. 'Cause at this point I am not sure I have anything else to say to him. And guess what, it has been two weeks and I have not heard from him either. What does that say?? I think it says I have been feeling less stressed because Officer is out of my life again and I should be happy. But it is still hard to be happy when you realize he has not tried to contact me either. I guess maybe he has moved on, or he became a hermit. Either way he won't be happy. Yes I can say that as a fact. Thanks for checking though, I know you are just looking out for me.

March Madness or the March of Change

I cannot believe that today is the first day of March. I am not sure where January and February went but they are gone.

I have been partaking in some pretty risky behavior for the past month and I am worried it is going to bite me in the butt.

The first weekend in February Officer asked me out to lunch on Sunday and we ended up spending the whole day and night together. It was nice but weird and I just felt strange. The sex was great as usual but it left me wondering what the fuck were we doing. I don't want to be his fuck buddy. I am not even sure I am ready to be friends. But it was just so nice, it felt safe and comfortable. There was no baggage between us, just two people spending time together.

We repeated this event the next weekend.

I was out of town for the next.

And then we repeated it yesterday. And it hits me. Why am I not hating this mans guts? Why do I even let him near me? Why am i so incapable of being angry with him? Lord know he has done enough to hurt me. I mean the song bad romance was written about us. Seriously.

So I put it out there, I told him, I don't trust him and I have reached my trust limit. And he says maybe we should slow down and in my head I am going. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to give you advice on dating other woman.

And I am not sure I want to give you a second chance. SO WHY am I spending time with him?

What the fuck are we doing?

Now tonight he is calling to ask me for favors, like we are friends or dating again. But what perks am I getting from dating him again? None so far that I can tell.

I realize I don't post often

I realize I don't post often, that has probably cost me what little readers I had. But I will be honest, blogging just was not a big part of my life. I really started a blog more to have something to direct people to if I left them comments.

That was not the original reason I started this, I started this to get over a boy, a man really, a man who I thought was the man. But it was more than that, it was about getting my life back. Really making it my life, taking control, being true to myself.

I have been caught up in life and again not really taking care of myself. Sure, I make sure my basic needs are met, food, water, sleep, sex well maybe not so much in the sex department. But am I exercising like I should? Am I doing things to enrich my mind and to awaken my soul? Doesn't feel like it. It feels like I have fallen back into old patterns.

I have become complacent with my life again.

I accept what every day brings without trying to shape or mold it into things that I want for myself. Not in a sick way of thinking that I can control everything that happens to me, or anyone around me. More in a way of actually having goals and wanting things for myself and for no other reason other than that I want them, and they will make me a better person.

Changes

It is hard to be clever about this situation.

There has been a lot of drama in the world of employment this past week for me. Without getting into specifics my place of employment took a big hit in cash flow. Turmoil has ensued and half the agency was let go, including my partner in crime Loride.

But the good vibes paid off, I didn't lose my job. I feel like I should take it as a complement, my work speaks for it self, but slight survivor guilt is a bitch. Actually, I was the only non director/VP to keep their job but my work load has quadrupled. And if we cannot drum up some new cash in the next 90 days I could still be let go, the whole company could go under. Being an adult blows sometimes.

I am not sure if this is the short straw or the long straw? Either way I am thankful I have a job still, but it has really made me think about things. Do I really still want this job? Am I going to be happy in this job in 6 months? Am I still growing at this company? Then there is the big one...what in the heck would I want to do if I was not doing this??

I know some of the answers... Yes, I still want this job, at least until I have the chance to find something better. I don't know if I am going to be happy at this job in 6 months anymore, I thought I was going to be when the direction of the company was clear. Truth be told, I have been bored, I felt stagnate and I was having trouble figuring out how to dig myself out of the rut I was in then. Everything has changed now, I am hoping that this new circumstance will bring all sorts of new experience that will make my resume nice and shinny for the future.

Day four was rough, but I am trying to be positive. That is my goal this year, to try to turn everything I can into a positive, to see the good in life and to make the most of it.

Maybe I am trying to make myself into an optimist (here's hoping).

Good Vibes

If I asked you to send me good vibes without telling you what they are for, would you? 

I am not ready to talk about everything that has been going on but I really really need some good vibes right now. 

Please hope and pray that everything works out for the best. 

Love Harder.

please check THIS out.

Apparently my post about 2009 really pissed off 2010.

So far this year....

I have had a great encounter with Officer that I thought changed things but just turned into a muddy emotional mess so we decided not to talk again.

I have had a life threatening kidney infection that would have never been found if I didn't go to the emergency room for a kidney stone. Seriously...how is it possible that my body showed no outward signs of this infection.

Because of this infection I have had to miss work a lot of work which I hate.

Because of this infection I broke down and called Officer again, he came and sat with me all night in the hospital. I thought it meant more than it did so I feel like we are breaking up all over again.

(as a side note while I was high off my ass on pain killers and he was sitting there with me, I had a moment of undefinable clarity...he is not the man for me. How can I have been that clear, I knew it in my heart of heart and now sober again I cannot seem to get back to that place? I just cannot seem to get my heart in line with my head.)

Because of this infection I have not been able to get clear perspective on thing and have become overly emotional. Seriously I cry about everything.

I didn't really feel like my world was crashing down but I got an email from a friend telling me that it was...funny. I mean yes I have not have the best few months, hell lets be honest I have not had the best 2 years. Yeah some things are good but why in life does it always seem that we cannot have everything working out at once? When have I paid enough?

Let me tell you this, I will certainly be able to appreciate the good so much more once I get it.

2009

Dear 2009,

You can go fuck yourself. Seriously.

I learned a lot about myself in 2009 but none of it was easy to learn and most of it was me just being pathetic and not respecting myself.  Much of the early part of the year until spring is a blur of self doubt and pain. Pain I could have easily walked away from but I didn't know how to put myself first. Spring and part of summer I lived in denial, I pretended things that were happening weren't or that they didn't matter. But they did and it cost me even more than the earlier months of the year. Then July happened. I turned 25 and hit a personal low with Officer. Still I stayed. Still I tried. Still I sacrificed...thinking it was enough that he would change and see the light.

The fall was a blur of mistakes and mistrust. Of drowning in my own denial and misery.

November, the end. It was over, Officer said he didn't love me anymore, and that he hadn't for a long time. I know what really happened, he fell for someone else and it had been going on and off for a better part of the year. And it had been killing me, I had been killing me. I had been the one giving everything up where he just believed we could go on being friends. I was addicted to the pain, I was addicted to him. Like all good addictions, you must go stone cold sober to actually let go.

Without Trust there is NO love. I know it is drilled into our heads but believe you me. There is no truer statement on earth. And I cannot believe how long it took me to believe it. 


There is no point in retelling any more of the story of 2009. It knows what happened and it knows what I have now left behind.

So I will say it again, 2009, you can go fuck yourself and never come back. I am glad you are over and I am glad I never have to see you again. I am hoping I never allow myself to become that low again. I am stronger because of you but pieces of me are still so broken that I know I am no where near putting myself back together.

~Witty

My goals for 2010 are simple:
1. To put myself first and never let my self respect take a back seat
2. To move on from Officer, even if I do hope he misses me terribly and suffers badly for years.
3. Get back in shape, good shape.
4. To figure out what I want out of life.