March Madness or the March of Change

I cannot believe that today is the first day of March. I am not sure where January and February went but they are gone.

I have been partaking in some pretty risky behavior for the past month and I am worried it is going to bite me in the butt.

The first weekend in February Officer asked me out to lunch on Sunday and we ended up spending the whole day and night together. It was nice but weird and I just felt strange. The sex was great as usual but it left me wondering what the fuck were we doing. I don't want to be his fuck buddy. I am not even sure I am ready to be friends. But it was just so nice, it felt safe and comfortable. There was no baggage between us, just two people spending time together.

We repeated this event the next weekend.

I was out of town for the next.

And then we repeated it yesterday. And it hits me. Why am I not hating this mans guts? Why do I even let him near me? Why am i so incapable of being angry with him? Lord know he has done enough to hurt me. I mean the song bad romance was written about us. Seriously.

So I put it out there, I told him, I don't trust him and I have reached my trust limit. And he says maybe we should slow down and in my head I am going. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to give you advice on dating other woman.

And I am not sure I want to give you a second chance. SO WHY am I spending time with him?

What the fuck are we doing?

Now tonight he is calling to ask me for favors, like we are friends or dating again. But what perks am I getting from dating him again? None so far that I can tell.