Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Love Harder.

please check THIS out.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Apparently my post about 2009 really pissed off 2010.

So far this year....

I have had a great encounter with Officer that I thought changed things but just turned into a muddy emotional mess so we decided not to talk again.

I have had a life threatening kidney infection that would have never been found if I didn't go to the emergency room for a kidney stone. is it possible that my body showed no outward signs of this infection.

Because of this infection I have had to miss work a lot of work which I hate.

Because of this infection I broke down and called Officer again, he came and sat with me all night in the hospital. I thought it meant more than it did so I feel like we are breaking up all over again.

(as a side note while I was high off my ass on pain killers and he was sitting there with me, I had a moment of undefinable clarity...he is not the man for me. How can I have been that clear, I knew it in my heart of heart and now sober again I cannot seem to get back to that place? I just cannot seem to get my heart in line with my head.)

Because of this infection I have not been able to get clear perspective on thing and have become overly emotional. Seriously I cry about everything.

I didn't really feel like my world was crashing down but I got an email from a friend telling me that it was...funny. I mean yes I have not have the best few months, hell lets be honest I have not had the best 2 years. Yeah some things are good but why in life does it always seem that we cannot have everything working out at once? When have I paid enough?

Let me tell you this, I will certainly be able to appreciate the good so much more once I get it.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Dear 2009,

You can go fuck yourself. Seriously.

I learned a lot about myself in 2009 but none of it was easy to learn and most of it was me just being pathetic and not respecting myself.  Much of the early part of the year until spring is a blur of self doubt and pain. Pain I could have easily walked away from but I didn't know how to put myself first. Spring and part of summer I lived in denial, I pretended things that were happening weren't or that they didn't matter. But they did and it cost me even more than the earlier months of the year. Then July happened. I turned 25 and hit a personal low with Officer. Still I stayed. Still I tried. Still I sacrificed...thinking it was enough that he would change and see the light.

The fall was a blur of mistakes and mistrust. Of drowning in my own denial and misery.

November, the end. It was over, Officer said he didn't love me anymore, and that he hadn't for a long time. I know what really happened, he fell for someone else and it had been going on and off for a better part of the year. And it had been killing me, I had been killing me. I had been the one giving everything up where he just believed we could go on being friends. I was addicted to the pain, I was addicted to him. Like all good addictions, you must go stone cold sober to actually let go.

Without Trust there is NO love. I know it is drilled into our heads but believe you me. There is no truer statement on earth. And I cannot believe how long it took me to believe it. 

There is no point in retelling any more of the story of 2009. It knows what happened and it knows what I have now left behind.

So I will say it again, 2009, you can go fuck yourself and never come back. I am glad you are over and I am glad I never have to see you again. I am hoping I never allow myself to become that low again. I am stronger because of you but pieces of me are still so broken that I know I am no where near putting myself back together.


My goals for 2010 are simple:
1. To put myself first and never let my self respect take a back seat
2. To move on from Officer, even if I do hope he misses me terribly and suffers badly for years.
3. Get back in shape, good shape.
4. To figure out what I want out of life.