You can go fuck yourself. Seriously.
I learned a lot about myself in 2009 but none of it was easy to learn and most of it was me just being pathetic and not respecting myself. Much of the early part of the year until spring is a blur of self doubt and pain. Pain I could have easily walked away from but I didn't know how to put myself first. Spring and part of summer I lived in denial, I pretended things that were happening weren't or that they didn't matter. But they did and it cost me even more than the earlier months of the year. Then July happened. I turned 25 and hit a personal low with Officer. Still I stayed. Still I tried. Still I sacrificed...thinking it was enough that he would change and see the light.
The fall was a blur of mistakes and mistrust. Of drowning in my own denial and misery.
November, the end. It was over, Officer said he didn't love me anymore, and that he hadn't for a long time. I know what really happened, he fell for someone else and it had been going on and off for a better part of the year. And it had been killing me, I had been killing me. I had been the one giving everything up where he just believed we could go on being friends. I was addicted to the pain, I was addicted to him. Like all good addictions, you must go stone cold sober to actually let go.
Without Trust there is NO love. I know it is drilled into our heads but believe you me. There is no truer statement on earth. And I cannot believe how long it took me to believe it.
There is no point in retelling any more of the story of 2009. It knows what happened and it knows what I have now left behind.
So I will say it again, 2009, you can go fuck yourself and never come back. I am glad you are over and I am glad I never have to see you again. I am hoping I never allow myself to become that low again. I am stronger because of you but pieces of me are still so broken that I know I am no where near putting myself back together.
My goals for 2010 are simple:
1. To put myself first and never let my self respect take a back seat
2. To move on from Officer, even if I do hope he misses me terribly and suffers badly for years.
3. Get back in shape, good shape.
4. To figure out what I want out of life.