Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Blast from the past

Yesterday I received a very interesting message on facebook. It was an absolute blast from the past.

"So, I'm supposed to be studying for my Nursing midterm but instead I decided to clean out all my old junk I have stored. I came across a box I had saved with stuff that apparently I found it important to save from grade school. On the top was a pack of pictures from a "photo shoot" we did in you room which really made me laugh. However, the next thing underneath it was a letter from you. I know this probably doesn't mean anything now but I was really hateful to you and I'm sorry. Looking back I was a bitch and for no good reason and I'm sorry. I think I was just trying to find my place and fit in but on the way there I actually lost myself. You were probably the best friend I had those years. You don't have to reply or anything I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the way I acted and that I wasn't a better friend to you back then."

It is the truth, she made my life hell, not only in grade school but also my freshman year of high school. I am not going to lie, I am still bitter about some of the things she did. So my question is, highschool is long over, nothing can ever be undone, should I let it all go? It probably took a lot for her to send me that message. I have moved past things, but does it warrant a response? I dont see us ever becoming close friends again, we dont live in the same city and have not run in the same circle for years. If I did respond, what the ef would I say?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

So I have been struggling with what to post about next because so much has happened, I just don't know how to put it into words. But I found this poem by Charles C. Finn that I like. It is rather long but bear with me.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off, and non of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is a mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend , to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and i know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate my from myself,
that I am really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like to hide.
I don't like to place superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings,
very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch my into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--a honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong alls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and i am every woman you meet.

My life has been full of a series of abusive relationships, and I am trying to throw myself into recovery. I am not sure what that word recovery means but I am tried of being a door mate.

I still worry about posting extremely personal stuff here for fear of judgment or lack of interest. But I think that is something I need to get over. I should not care if people read what I have to say or not, as long as I say it out loud where others might hear it.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Thank you to Rich at New Dollian I officially feel like a "real" blogger.

I have been tagged as Kreativ.

7 Things I love

1. Music
2. Swimming
3. Reading Everything in sight
4. Sailing
5. Photography
6. The Ocean
7. The buzz of making a new connection and a new friend (good one Rich)

7 Bloggers I love
1. Blondie @ A Blondie Moment
5. LiLu @ LiveitLoveit
6. Here are the award rules:
List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world are Kreativ!

I dont know how to tag people other than what I just did.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I generally don't like to call people out for things but enough is enough. There is this person, Petry, who cannot take a hint.

Dear Petry,

You are creeping me out, I have not talked to you in almost three months, not one word. And I wont ever again. Please stop contacting me, emailing me, texting me and whatever other form of communication you may try. For months before we got to the point of not talking you were trying to have a relationship with me, an inappropriate relationship (because no matter how bad my current relationship is I am not a cheater). Every time you tell me you love me and miss me and need me you make me really uncomfortable. I had asked you to stop R E P E A T E D L Y! I told you I didn’t want to hear those things from you EVER. There is a line, and you have crossed it, it is now called stalking.

Please leave me alone.

Here is the deal, I am generally not a mean person, but Petry became/is obsessive (stalking). What started as a working relationship I will admit turned into a friendship. But I never gave him any inclination that I ever felt it was or would be more than a friendship. But then he started doing and saying things friends don’t say to each other. So I asked him to leave me alone as a friend and we could just work together. The feeling I got from him was just all wrong, I didn’t ever feel comfortable and I still don’t. He is trying to be everywhere. He did leave me alone for a few months, but then he started crossing the line again. I was in a bad spot and needed a friend and Petry took advantage of the situation. I quickly corrected my ways. He began texting me every night that he misses me and loves me. Wanted to know why I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone. My boyfriend saw my phone, the texts, emails everything. I have been open and honest about Petry and Officer was aware that I was really uncomfortable, and not encouraging this sort of behavior. We both decided I should just stop talking to Petry, that hopefully he would get the hint.

That was almost three months ago. Now Petry is commenting on my blog, trying add me under different names on Twitter and still texting and emailing. I have had to change my privacy settings on almost everything. What else can I do?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

This is why...

This is precisely why I thought we should take two weeks and not talk to or see each other. But he asked me not to cut him out of my life so I didn’t. (this is a pattern you will see with me that I am trying to work on, I don’t know how to put myself first) I knew it then and I know it now, about a week and a half into this new existence we were both going to realize that neither of us knew what the hell to do. Fights were harder because we never see each other and tensions were higher to make the most of the time we do spend together. And now tonight after years of asking for this kind of respect, he tells me that he is just not in the mood to talk to anyone. If the past were not the past I would believe him, but now I just cant. It just makes me wonder, because it is her day off, even if he does have to work tonight. My gut is burning and guilt seems to sting the air.

I should go back to the beginning but I don’t want to, I don’t know if I am in a place where I can write down everything that has happened. Maybe it is because that means I will have to face everything I have put up with. Everything I have believed in him through. All the parts of myself that I have sacrificed and put aside to “take care of” him to take care of everyone.

There is no easy way out of this, I know I need to rewrite my priorities and put myself at the top.

Maybe someday I will write it all down and tell you what happened. If anyone ones to hear about it.

Friday, March 6, 2009

You're Not Sorry...

If you would rather listen Click HERE:

All this time I was wasting, Hoping you would come around
I've been givin' out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taken me this long baby
But I figured you out
And you think it would be fine again
But not this time around
You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby, Like I did before
You're not sorry.
Oh no, no, no.
Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waitin' in the cold
And you got to share your secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before
But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby, Like I did before
You're not sorry.
No, no, Oh.
You're not sorry.
No, no, Oh.
You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would have gone away, no
You used to shine so bright, But I watched all of it fade
So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby, Like I did before
You're not sorry.
No, no, Oh.
You're not sorry.
No, no. Oh.

Thank you Ms. Taylor Swift, I Love this song!

Also if you would rather watch Click HERE...i dont know how to get the actual video in the post...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...

Also a big thanks to Ms. Sara Bareilles for this song.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

My Truth: Part I

I need what I say to matter.

No matter who I say it to, but right now there are two people in particular. Wait three that i can think of where I not only want what I say to matter but I NEED it to matter.

How do I make this happen?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Looking Back...Questioning

So I was reading this and then this:

But either way it really got me thinking. I pulled out all of my old journals and started reading, kept reading and then read some more. And it is true we seem to easily forget the disappointment we have been feeling for a while. The things we tell ourselves are going to change, things we don’t think we wont put up with ever again. As you read you realize everything you said you would never put up with again is what you have been living with for month’s maybe even years. The things you thought would change are the things that have driven a wedge so deep between the two of you that you feel you can never recover. Because communication was lost, walls were built and change was halted because each person has too concerned with protecting themselves and not dealing with their own issues that they are unable to be in a successful mature relationship.

Then you start to wonder, even with therapy, even with years of patience could you ever bring back the passion? Could the relationship be successful?

Could We ever be successful? Why can I not get past the comfort and see that the issue we are having have only gotten worse. His unfaithfulness and lying are progressing. Why I am pathetic enough to stay, why do I believe in him so much? Because I don’t trust him, and I tormented by terrible thoughts of what he could be doing, what he has done. Things that make me stick to my stomach and make it hard to look him in the eye. I question everything, every single thing that comes out of his mouth. Why can I not just tell him to get out of my life?? How many times can I go through this?

I believe that relationships have cycles, you are not always head over heals for each other, people fall in and out of love but they are still committed to one another. Committed to working on it every day, knowing that the person they are with is their match, but how they know I have no idea.