This is why...

This is precisely why I thought we should take two weeks and not talk to or see each other. But he asked me not to cut him out of my life so I didn’t. (this is a pattern you will see with me that I am trying to work on, I don’t know how to put myself first) I knew it then and I know it now, about a week and a half into this new existence we were both going to realize that neither of us knew what the hell to do. Fights were harder because we never see each other and tensions were higher to make the most of the time we do spend together. And now tonight after years of asking for this kind of respect, he tells me that he is just not in the mood to talk to anyone. If the past were not the past I would believe him, but now I just cant. It just makes me wonder, because it is her day off, even if he does have to work tonight. My gut is burning and guilt seems to sting the air.

I should go back to the beginning but I don’t want to, I don’t know if I am in a place where I can write down everything that has happened. Maybe it is because that means I will have to face everything I have put up with. Everything I have believed in him through. All the parts of myself that I have sacrificed and put aside to “take care of” him to take care of everyone.

There is no easy way out of this, I know I need to rewrite my priorities and put myself at the top.

Maybe someday I will write it all down and tell you what happened. If anyone ones to hear about it.