Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me
* Be direct and clear and do not lie to me, ever
* Listen to me carefully
* Don't judge me for my anxiety
* Work things through with me
* Reassure me that everything is OK between us
* Laugh and make jokes with me
* Gently push me toward new experiences
* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn
* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

So strange that this is me, sounds a lot like me. I love Mad Men and that is why this quiz I took caught my eye.

Have fun. Do you think this is an accurate picture of me?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday, not so fun day

So I started my day with this:

Good morning, I just walked through to say good morning to everyone. I noticed that it is 8:15 and no one in my media department is in. We are really cranking to keep business coming in, including media. I really need your full support ready and working on time…but also being willing to help get us through when needed at the end of the day too. In fact, the entire company is encouraged to be engaged in sales. We are slammed with RFPs and marketing and account management cannot get them all done because much of the work we’ve turned in the past 3 months is hitting them the hardest. Thank you. The Prez

Seriously, are you questioning my commitment or what here?

And then this:

Hi All,I’ve received complaints about microwave use—someone used the microwave this morning and did not cover their food. It blew all over the top, making the microwave stink. Someone tried to use the microwave and had to clean it first. It’s as simple as a paper towel over the plate or bowl, which takes less time than the cleaning process for you or someone else. Please try to remember. Thank you! Office B

Seriously I work in a office full of people who sweat the small stuff…so needless to say the office is a bit tense today.

And now we have this…

Toxic Shock Woman’s son got arrested for shop lifting today, it is quite amusing. Not only was he cutting school but he got arrested for stealing condoms. Seriously just condoms…apparently he is so scared of “my life is so much worse than yours ever will be woman” that he lied about all his information. So they took him to jail. And for the first time she is not going to let him walk all over her, he is going to sit there till she is good and ready to go pick him up.

And now she is back at my desk telling me how to do my job, again. Better Go. Shhh no blogging at work.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Because I'm bored and trying not to think about things, a silly survey to take up some time.

A- Available: Most definitely not
- Age: 24- Annoyance: people who act like they are better than others and liars
- Animal: cats J two are very near and dear to my heart

B- Beer: Ugh, no thanks (insert image of me making the international I HATE beer face)
- Birthday: July 26
- Best Friend: you know who you are
- Body Part on opposite sex: I prefer if they have them
- Best feeling in the world: happiness
- Blind or Deaf: tough call
- Best weather: thunderstorms and snow lots and lots
- Been in Love: Still am…
- Been on stage: not in a long time
- Believe in Magic: sometimes
- Believe in Santa: I believe in giving

C- Candy: Reeses
- Color: Dark blues light blues and greens and reds
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate
- Chinese/Mexican Food: Asian
- Cake or pie: cake- Continent to visit: Australia
- Cheese: ummm not a big cheese eater

D- Day or Night: currently night
- Dancing in the rain: there’s something sexy ‘bout the rain

E- Eyes: hazel and or green
- Everyone's got: to earn my respect
- Ever failed a class?: came close stupid C++

F- First thoughts waking up: here we go again
- Food: nothing sounds good

G- Greatest Fear: Losing the people close to me, being lied too
- Goals: Be happy and live life
- Gum: ok so I chew it a lot so what???
- Get along with your parents?: yes

H- Hair Color: what day is it?
- Height: short- Happy: doing my best
- Holiday: fourth of July
- How do you want to die: Without a lot of regrets

I- Ice Cream: peanut butter chip. Karen do you deliver?
- Instrument: I am not that talented

J- Jewelry: I like it in moderation
- Job: is an evil three letter word

K- Kids: no freaking way
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal?: Yep

L- Love: What about it?
- Letter: W
- Laughed so hard you cried: A lot

M- Milk flavor: skim
- Movies: most definitely, yes, thanks
- Motion sickness: not really, but riding in a car can put me to a baby…for hours
- McD’s or BK: Taco Bell

N- Number: 7

O- One wish: keeping that in the quiet of my heart.

P- Pepsi/Coke: Dr. Pepper
- Perfect Pizza: Chicago Deep Dish
- Piercings: none

Q- Quail: Quailman?

R- Reason to cry: not even going there
- Reality T.V.: sadly yes, but hey deadliest catch…
- Radio Station: my computer
-Roll your tongue in a circle: I can, also into three
- Ring size: fat fingers

S- Song: honestly depends on the moment
- Shoe size: yes I have very small feet
- Salad Dressing: ranch
- Sushi: yes please
- Skinny dipped?: yep
- In the shower?: there is water
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries

T- Tattoos?: yep 2, it is an addiction.
-Time for bed: not so big on sleeping these days.
- Thunderstorms: never enough

U- Unpredictable: life and the people around you

V- Vacation spot(s): BVI, sail boat, the mountains

W- Weakness: too much faith in people
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: ummm?
- Worst feeling: feeling betrayed
- Wanted to be a model: was a child model
- Worst Weather?: the kind that kills people

X- X-Rays: several, but of course it is impossible to break fingers like that he said….RIGHT.

Y-Year it is now: last I checked it was still 2009-
Yellow: makes me sad

Z- Zoo animal(s): my family

Monday, February 16, 2009


“So if you wake up with the sunrise, and all your dreams are still as new, And happiness is what you need so bad, girl, the answer lies with you.” Led Zeppelin

I have been re-reading his blog, back from the beginning, basically depressing the hell out of myself. I don’t know how we got from there to where we are now but I found tears streaming down my face. I know people change, I know time moves on but what got in the way of all of that?? The way he use to talk about me, our love our life. It is beautifully captivating. It reminds me of why I feel in love with him in the first place.

Do I constantly try to cause myself more pain, or I am searching for a way to bring back the love? He told me he had been rereading it well them both to go back to the start. So I thought I would too, just to go back to the beginning before all of this baggage got in the way. It is plain and simple when you read it. There was nothing that could come between us. Not random hook ups with other people, me being in another country, drunken nights, awful fights, we share a connection. We both professed that we would never let go. What do I do if we both say we still feel that same connection we just lost the strength of it somewhere??? I know I can still feel it, I can still feel him when he walks into a room, and there is just some pull there, something I cannot explain.

What was once so strong is now so weak, such a huge question in my life. I know that if I walk away there will be a huge hole in my life, but not only my life but it feels like the depth of my soul.

Friday, February 13, 2009

My whole life is “have to”…he says

I don’t want to be somebody’s “have to” I want to be somebody’s “want to”…though the statement was not directed at me I am a part of his life. I don’t know if I am in that category but the word whole is pretty much a glairing fact that I am.

There have been so many things that say Witty, this man is not making you a priority, this man does not respect you, this man does not have your best interest at heart any more. I feel as though every day is a new slap in the face a new realization of how low I am on the scale. His scale.

I am having trouble defining my scale and finding a place for myself. Because I know to do that, I have to cause myself an immense amount of pain.

Then again how do I know which pain is worse?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Here Again.

I am at a place where I have so much I want and need to say, to get off my chest that I am speechless and have been for a while.

In the last 6 months or so my life has done a complete 180 from where I thought it was headed and every time I find myself thinking things cant get worse than this, they do.

It is hard to see the light, to find the good, to believe consistently that everything in life happens for a reason. The lesson just is not there yet, I know the theory that you cannot appreciate the good without the bad but I have just about had my fill of the bad.

What else can I do or learn from this? It is hard not to be angry and feel that this has been some sort of test. Some sort of way to make me change everything about who I am, or maybe it is just forcing me to get back to who I was, the person I liked.

There was a time when nothing could stand in my way, I did what I wanted when I wanted and I didn’t care who else it impacted. But now I feel as though my whole life is out of my control, every decision that has any meaningful impact is being made for me, or without me.

The person that matters the most to me seems to not think of us at all. He is off on his own mission to find himself. Which in turn has forced me to realize all the things I have become that I said I would never be.

Change is good, and is something I must face, whether I am ready or not.