Liar.

Dear Officer,  

 

 

You lied and said you were an innocent man but you're not. and you have not been for a long time. 

Love, 

Witty

Let Go.

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can’t control another.

To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ‘let go’ is not to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To ‘let go’ is not to care for, but to care about.

To ‘let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To ‘let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.

To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ‘let go’ is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To ‘let go’ is to fear less, and love more.

If I had a computer I would post more

So as you can tell, July 1st is the last time my personal computer has worked. So much has happened since then and I feel like I have really lost touch with the blogesphere. I will try to do better. Besides I am changing my life for the better. I am going to live in the now and not in the past for the future. Just for right now.

I have learned that for the last few years I have not been respecting myself (at all, seriously). I have been putting the needs of others so far above my own that I cannot even identify what my needs are. And guess what, if you don't know what your needs are, how are you ever going to know what your true feelings are. The next few months are about finding clarity, about finding myself.

If i really put my life out there, maybe it will force me to learn who I am again?

Here goes nothing...

Twenty One

Dear 21 doctors I have seen in the last 4 years.

Why did it take number 22 to figure out what is wrong with me? Why is my syndrome found with a simple blood test that none of you bothered to perform? Did you know that the longer this syndrome goes untreated, the more damage it can do to the body? The more catastrophic affects it can have on my future??

Four fucking years of my life I had to live with people telling me…diet and exercise, there is nothing wrong with you. How many different 24 hour urine tests did I do? How many times did you take my blood, perform extremely painful tests and come back and tell me everything was normal? How many different times did I tell my story, how many times did I get the look? You know the look that you gave me, the look do the work to make yourself feel better I cannot find anything wrong with you.

You are lazy; you always looked at the one easy answer and didn’t bother to actually listen to what I am saying. I know my body and I knew something was wrong. After four years you not only put me through hell but you made me doubt myself, doubt what I knew with all of my heart to be true. I hate to admit it but I had given up, I had lost all hope that anything was ever going to happen to shine some light on what was happening to me. And it made me hate myself. So now we have not believing in myself, hating myself and add to that not being able to stand to see myself in the mirror and you have a pretty fucked up individual.

Because of this I am angry, so angry but I don’t know how to be angry. I want to scream out loud, I want to tear things apart, I want to make my pulse race. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing still but my body is violently shaking as I scream so loud all the glass around me shatters.

I can’t even cry about it, I don’t even know how to process what has happened in the last week. With one test and one letter, it feels like my whole life should have changed. I should be able to breath but I am wound so tight I cannot. I cannot even get close to feeling what I should be feeling now that I know.

Four years of my life gone, that I can never get back, I feel like you stole them from me. You robbed me of things I could have had, you robbed me of my self-confidence, my ability to let things roll off of my shoulders. You make me feel weak and pathetic.

I don’t know how to get angry, but I wish I did.

So 21 doctors...go fuck yourselves, you make a mockery of your profession. Cases like mine should be what you live for, not what you brush off and push out the door.

I know I have been gone...

but if I could crawl out of my skin right now I would.

Things I long to hear...

"I am not a guy who fights, but I should have fought for you..."

Today was a tough day, with a lot of thing I really need to think about. Some things that I cannot get out of my head.

I am so scared to be alone, but aren't I really alone already.

This is not where I wanted to be at almost 25.

I have fought for you, but all I hear is you are not sure.

Now I am not sure I want to wait to find out, because you should have fought for me.

I am not going to chase you...

I am not going to chase you. I am not going to continue to expect you to show up because you can't and you don't, ever. This is not a relationship we are in, this is you getting exactly what you want. Exactly what you have convinced yourself is what is going to make you happy and fix all of your problems. I am done chasing you, I am done trying to be the glue that olds our relationship together. I am letting go, I am trying to make myself happy. I love you, I will always love you. I thought you were the love of my life, I imagined my whole future with you and you just say things like " I am not sure what I want" "I don't know if I want to be with you". It makes me sick inside to even hear your voice in my head saying those things.

I want to let you go, we never see eachother, we dont talk, I feel like I have lost my best friend. But I don't even know you. Sometimes there is a glimmer of what I thought we had together, but if it is so easy for you to exclude me from your life. I want to believe the saying "if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you then it is yours forever" but what if i dont want to wait for that. We have been together for almost 4 years, if you dont know if you want to be with me now when will you ever know?

With everything that has happened and how many times you have lied to me I should be angry with you, why can't I be angry?

Things I need to get off my chest

So months ago, maybe no months LuLu did a great post where she wrote little snippets to people without saying who she was directly speaking to...I loved the idea so here goes.

You were wrong, I am lovable. I am not a fat cow and I am not alone. I have not been alone in years because I have some wonderful friends (if they live in this city or not). I never understood why you called me 20 times that night (you know the night, years after we saw eachother last) or why you have not called since but you were an asshole and for years I wished bad things for you. Now I know you were lashing out at me to look cool for the other kids.

I know you were unfaithful to me, I know you would lie to my face all the time but I think we both know I dished it back. But what you told me day in and day out has damaged me forever. Thank you for telling me all the time that you wouldnt love me if I gained weight. I was a college athlete, in better shape than most woman can dream of, but that was still never good enough for you. I know now that you were not enough for me and that I put up with your crap for far to long.

I remember now, what you did to me when I was five and you were ten and then again when we were older. I didn't until you made a joke about it, then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is not a joke. I thought for years that you and I had this amazing connection. It turns out you were just the first boy who kissed me, who did other things to me when I was all too young. I though you were the love of my life for over 15 years. Turns out, that was just a defense mechanism, to protect me from you. I convinced myself that you and I had a connection, well we do. But is is not one you should be proud of, what you did me has forever altered the way I see men and sex. All I wanted to do was be with you, the only thing I wanted to do was make you happy, but it was all a lie. I was too young for what you did to me, what you said I wanted you to do. Why can I not pull myself away from you.

You threated to kill me, why would I owe you an apology?



So I think that is enough for tonight, they are not well thought out and seem to ramble on. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

Lost...

I know I have been gone for a while, I am still struggling with what exactly I should be saying. Rather, what I want to be saying. 

I don't have clever TMI posts, or the secret project (not that I don't love those posts) but i have really been struggling to find my voice. 

I am going through a really rough or terrible  time in a relationship that has been a significant part of my life for the last four years. And I believe in signs, and I keep seeing signs to not give up, to hold on, to tough it out, but every time I think things cannot get any worse....they do. We try to communicate but there is so much baggage we individually carry that it is hard to get past those walls we both have built. 

I don't love myself and he doesn't know how to love anyone. Wonderful combination. 

I don't always want to write about this, but currently this is sort of my life. I feel foolish because I have lived in Dreamtown for two years, and I have made very few friends. I feel like I don't even remember how to make friends. I have friends from work but they are not the type of friends you share your whole life with, there are very few people I feel I can talk to who won't judge me. Not that I should care what people think. 

How do you get back to the beginning, without feeling like you are totally abandoning the other person? How do I make myself happy in this mess I have created? I changed my whole life's path for this relationship and for the life I thought it meant I would share with Officer. 

I was on the fast track in the advertising world (seriously) in the greatest city in America (and I don't mean NYC) and although Officer was not the entire reason I walked away from it all, he played a big part. Now I am in a much smaller city with an even smaller advertising community and it has made me feel lost in my career path because it is nothing like where I was before. You try to adapt and grow where the opportunities are but there  isn't the rush, the challenge, the change, the struggle to push yourself farther than you thought possible. 

In short I am utterly and completely .....L O S T 

Blast from the past

Yesterday I received a very interesting message on facebook. It was an absolute blast from the past.

"So, I'm supposed to be studying for my Nursing midterm but instead I decided to clean out all my old junk I have stored. I came across a box I had saved with stuff that apparently I found it important to save from grade school. On the top was a pack of pictures from a "photo shoot" we did in you room which really made me laugh. However, the next thing underneath it was a letter from you. I know this probably doesn't mean anything now but I was really hateful to you and I'm sorry. Looking back I was a bitch and for no good reason and I'm sorry. I think I was just trying to find my place and fit in but on the way there I actually lost myself. You were probably the best friend I had those years. You don't have to reply or anything I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the way I acted and that I wasn't a better friend to you back then."

It is the truth, she made my life hell, not only in grade school but also my freshman year of high school. I am not going to lie, I am still bitter about some of the things she did. So my question is, highschool is long over, nothing can ever be undone, should I let it all go? It probably took a lot for her to send me that message. I have moved past things, but does it warrant a response? I dont see us ever becoming close friends again, we dont live in the same city and have not run in the same circle for years. If I did respond, what the ef would I say?

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

So I have been struggling with what to post about next because so much has happened, I just don't know how to put it into words. But I found this poem by Charles C. Finn that I like. It is rather long but bear with me.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off, and non of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is a mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That's why i frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend , to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and i know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate my from myself,
that I am really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like to hide.
I don't like to place superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings,
very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch my into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--a honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong alls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and i am every woman you meet.

My life has been full of a series of abusive relationships, and I am trying to throw myself into recovery. I am not sure what that word recovery means but I am tried of being a door mate.

I still worry about posting extremely personal stuff here for fear of judgment or lack of interest. But I think that is something I need to get over. I should not care if people read what I have to say or not, as long as I say it out loud where others might hear it.

Kreativ

Thank you to Rich at New Dollian I officially feel like a "real" blogger.

I have been tagged as Kreativ.


7 Things I love

1. Music
2. Swimming
3. Reading Everything in sight
4. Sailing
5. Photography
6. The Ocean
7. The buzz of making a new connection and a new friend (good one Rich)

7 Bloggers I love
1. Blondie @ A Blondie Moment
2. Imerika @ Refreshingly Honest
3. SO@24
4. adorablybitter
5. LiLu @ LiveitLoveit
6. Catherinette here or Here
7. Brandy @ It's like I'm mmmagic

Here are the award rules:
List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

I dont know how to tag people other than what I just did.

Creepy

I generally don't like to call people out for things but enough is enough. There is this person, Petry, who cannot take a hint.

Dear Petry,

You are creeping me out, I have not talked to you in almost three months, not one word. And I wont ever again. Please stop contacting me, emailing me, texting me and whatever other form of communication you may try. For months before we got to the point of not talking you were trying to have a relationship with me, an inappropriate relationship (because no matter how bad my current relationship is I am not a cheater). Every time you tell me you love me and miss me and need me you make me really uncomfortable. I had asked you to stop R E P E A T E D L Y! I told you I didn’t want to hear those things from you EVER. There is a line, and you have crossed it, it is now called stalking.

Please leave me alone.

Here is the deal, I am generally not a mean person, but Petry became/is obsessive (stalking). What started as a working relationship I will admit turned into a friendship. But I never gave him any inclination that I ever felt it was or would be more than a friendship. But then he started doing and saying things friends don’t say to each other. So I asked him to leave me alone as a friend and we could just work together. The feeling I got from him was just all wrong, I didn’t ever feel comfortable and I still don’t. He is trying to be everywhere. He did leave me alone for a few months, but then he started crossing the line again. I was in a bad spot and needed a friend and Petry took advantage of the situation. I quickly corrected my ways. He began texting me every night that he misses me and loves me. Wanted to know why I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone. My boyfriend saw my phone, the texts, emails everything. I have been open and honest about Petry and Officer was aware that I was really uncomfortable, and not encouraging this sort of behavior. We both decided I should just stop talking to Petry, that hopefully he would get the hint.

That was almost three months ago. Now Petry is commenting on my blog, trying add me under different names on Twitter and still texting and emailing. I have had to change my privacy settings on almost everything. What else can I do?

This is why...

This is precisely why I thought we should take two weeks and not talk to or see each other. But he asked me not to cut him out of my life so I didn’t. (this is a pattern you will see with me that I am trying to work on, I don’t know how to put myself first) I knew it then and I know it now, about a week and a half into this new existence we were both going to realize that neither of us knew what the hell to do. Fights were harder because we never see each other and tensions were higher to make the most of the time we do spend together. And now tonight after years of asking for this kind of respect, he tells me that he is just not in the mood to talk to anyone. If the past were not the past I would believe him, but now I just cant. It just makes me wonder, because it is her day off, even if he does have to work tonight. My gut is burning and guilt seems to sting the air.

I should go back to the beginning but I don’t want to, I don’t know if I am in a place where I can write down everything that has happened. Maybe it is because that means I will have to face everything I have put up with. Everything I have believed in him through. All the parts of myself that I have sacrificed and put aside to “take care of” him to take care of everyone.

There is no easy way out of this, I know I need to rewrite my priorities and put myself at the top.

Maybe someday I will write it all down and tell you what happened. If anyone ones to hear about it.

You're Not Sorry...

If you would rather listen Click HERE:

All this time I was wasting, Hoping you would come around
I've been givin' out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taken me this long baby
But I figured you out
And you think it would be fine again
But not this time around
You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby, Like I did before
You're not sorry.
Oh no, no, no.
Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waitin' in the cold
And you got to share your secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before
But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby, Like I did before
You're not sorry.
No, no, Oh.
You're not sorry.
No, no, Oh.
You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would have gone away, no
You used to shine so bright, But I watched all of it fade
So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby, Like I did before
You're not sorry.
No, no, Oh.
You're not sorry.
No, no. Oh.

Thank you Ms. Taylor Swift, I Love this song!

Also if you would rather watch Click HERE...i dont know how to get the actual video in the post...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...

Also a big thanks to Ms. Sara Bareilles for this song.

My Truth: Part I

I need what I say to matter.

No matter who I say it to, but right now there are two people in particular. Wait three that i can think of where I not only want what I say to matter but I NEED it to matter.

How do I make this happen?

Looking Back...Questioning

So I was reading this and then this:

But either way it really got me thinking. I pulled out all of my old journals and started reading, kept reading and then read some more. And it is true we seem to easily forget the disappointment we have been feeling for a while. The things we tell ourselves are going to change, things we don’t think we wont put up with ever again. As you read you realize everything you said you would never put up with again is what you have been living with for month’s maybe even years. The things you thought would change are the things that have driven a wedge so deep between the two of you that you feel you can never recover. Because communication was lost, walls were built and change was halted because each person has too concerned with protecting themselves and not dealing with their own issues that they are unable to be in a successful mature relationship.

Then you start to wonder, even with therapy, even with years of patience could you ever bring back the passion? Could the relationship be successful?

Could We ever be successful? Why can I not get past the comfort and see that the issue we are having have only gotten worse. His unfaithfulness and lying are progressing. Why I am pathetic enough to stay, why do I believe in him so much? Because I don’t trust him, and I tormented by terrible thoughts of what he could be doing, what he has done. Things that make me stick to my stomach and make it hard to look him in the eye. I question everything, every single thing that comes out of his mouth. Why can I not just tell him to get out of my life?? How many times can I go through this?



I believe that relationships have cycles, you are not always head over heals for each other, people fall in and out of love but they are still committed to one another. Committed to working on it every day, knowing that the person they are with is their match, but how they know I have no idea.

Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me
* Be direct and clear and do not lie to me, ever
* Listen to me carefully
* Don't judge me for my anxiety
* Work things through with me
* Reassure me that everything is OK between us
* Laugh and make jokes with me
* Gently push me toward new experiences
* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.


What's Hard About Being a Marilyn
* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

So strange that this is me, sounds a lot like me. I love Mad Men and that is why this quiz I took caught my eye. http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz

Have fun. Do you think this is an accurate picture of me?

Monday, not so fun day

So I started my day with this:

Good morning, I just walked through to say good morning to everyone. I noticed that it is 8:15 and no one in my media department is in. We are really cranking to keep business coming in, including media. I really need your full support ready and working on time…but also being willing to help get us through when needed at the end of the day too. In fact, the entire company is encouraged to be engaged in sales. We are slammed with RFPs and marketing and account management cannot get them all done because much of the work we’ve turned in the past 3 months is hitting them the hardest. Thank you. The Prez

Seriously, are you questioning my commitment or what here?

And then this:

Hi All,I’ve received complaints about microwave use—someone used the microwave this morning and did not cover their food. It blew all over the top, making the microwave stink. Someone tried to use the microwave and had to clean it first. It’s as simple as a paper towel over the plate or bowl, which takes less time than the cleaning process for you or someone else. Please try to remember. Thank you! Office B

Seriously I work in a office full of people who sweat the small stuff…so needless to say the office is a bit tense today.

And now we have this…

Toxic Shock Woman’s son got arrested for shop lifting today, it is quite amusing. Not only was he cutting school but he got arrested for stealing condoms. Seriously just condoms…apparently he is so scared of “my life is so much worse than yours ever will be woman” that he lied about all his information. So they took him to jail. And for the first time she is not going to let him walk all over her, he is going to sit there till she is good and ready to go pick him up.

And now she is back at my desk telling me how to do my job, again. Better Go. Shhh no blogging at work.

Because I'm bored and trying not to think about things, a silly survey to take up some time.

A- Available: Most definitely not
- Age: 24- Annoyance: people who act like they are better than others and liars
- Animal: cats J two are very near and dear to my heart

B- Beer: Ugh, no thanks (insert image of me making the international I HATE beer face)
- Birthday: July 26
- Best Friend: you know who you are
- Body Part on opposite sex: I prefer if they have them
- Best feeling in the world: happiness
- Blind or Deaf: tough call
- Best weather: thunderstorms and snow lots and lots
- Been in Love: Still am…
- Been on stage: not in a long time
- Believe in Magic: sometimes
- Believe in Santa: I believe in giving

C- Candy: Reeses
- Color: Dark blues light blues and greens and reds
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate
- Chinese/Mexican Food: Asian
- Cake or pie: cake- Continent to visit: Australia
- Cheese: ummm not a big cheese eater

D- Day or Night: currently night
- Dancing in the rain: there’s something sexy ‘bout the rain

E- Eyes: hazel and or green
- Everyone's got: to earn my respect
- Ever failed a class?: came close stupid C++

F- First thoughts waking up: here we go again
- Food: nothing sounds good

G- Greatest Fear: Losing the people close to me, being lied too
- Goals: Be happy and live life
- Gum: ok so I chew it a lot so what???
- Get along with your parents?: yes

H- Hair Color: what day is it?
- Height: short- Happy: doing my best
- Holiday: fourth of July
- How do you want to die: Without a lot of regrets

I- Ice Cream: peanut butter chip. Karen do you deliver?
- Instrument: I am not that talented

J- Jewelry: I like it in moderation
- Job: is an evil three letter word

K- Kids: no freaking way
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal?: Yep

L- Love: What about it?
- Letter: W
- Laughed so hard you cried: A lot

M- Milk flavor: skim
- Movies: most definitely, yes, thanks
- Motion sickness: not really, but riding in a car can put me to sleep...like a baby…for hours
- McD’s or BK: Taco Bell

N- Number: 7

O- One wish: keeping that in the quiet of my heart.

P- Pepsi/Coke: Dr. Pepper
- Perfect Pizza: Chicago Deep Dish
- Piercings: none

Q- Quail: Quailman?

R- Reason to cry: not even going there
- Reality T.V.: sadly yes, but hey deadliest catch…
- Radio Station: my computer
-Roll your tongue in a circle: I can, also into three
- Ring size: fat fingers

S- Song: honestly depends on the moment
- Shoe size: yes I have very small feet
- Salad Dressing: ranch
- Sushi: yes please
- Skinny dipped?: yep
- In the shower?: there is water
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries

T- Tattoos?: yep 2, it is an addiction.
-Time for bed: not so big on sleeping these days.
- Thunderstorms: never enough

U- Unpredictable: life and the people around you

V- Vacation spot(s): BVI, sail boat, the mountains

W- Weakness: too much faith in people
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: ummm?
- Worst feeling: feeling betrayed
- Wanted to be a model: was a child model
- Worst Weather?: the kind that kills people

X- X-Rays: several, but of course it is impossible to break fingers like that he said….RIGHT.

Y-Year it is now: last I checked it was still 2009-
Yellow: makes me sad

Z- Zoo animal(s): my family

History...

“So if you wake up with the sunrise, and all your dreams are still as new, And happiness is what you need so bad, girl, the answer lies with you.” Led Zeppelin

I have been re-reading his blog, back from the beginning, basically depressing the hell out of myself. I don’t know how we got from there to where we are now but I found tears streaming down my face. I know people change, I know time moves on but what got in the way of all of that?? The way he use to talk about me, our love our life. It is beautifully captivating. It reminds me of why I feel in love with him in the first place.

Do I constantly try to cause myself more pain, or I am searching for a way to bring back the love? He told me he had been rereading it well them both to go back to the start. So I thought I would too, just to go back to the beginning before all of this baggage got in the way. It is plain and simple when you read it. There was nothing that could come between us. Not random hook ups with other people, me being in another country, drunken nights, awful fights, we share a connection. We both professed that we would never let go. What do I do if we both say we still feel that same connection we just lost the strength of it somewhere??? I know I can still feel it, I can still feel him when he walks into a room, and there is just some pull there, something I cannot explain.

What was once so strong is now so weak, such a huge question in my life. I know that if I walk away there will be a huge hole in my life, but not only my life but it feels like the depth of my soul.

My whole life is “have to”…he says

I don’t want to be somebody’s “have to” I want to be somebody’s “want to”…though the statement was not directed at me I am a part of his life. I don’t know if I am in that category but the word whole is pretty much a glairing fact that I am.

There have been so many things that say Witty, this man is not making you a priority, this man does not respect you, this man does not have your best interest at heart any more. I feel as though every day is a new slap in the face a new realization of how low I am on the scale. His scale.

I am having trouble defining my scale and finding a place for myself. Because I know to do that, I have to cause myself an immense amount of pain.

Then again how do I know which pain is worse?

Here Again.

I am at a place where I have so much I want and need to say, to get off my chest that I am speechless and have been for a while.

In the last 6 months or so my life has done a complete 180 from where I thought it was headed and every time I find myself thinking things cant get worse than this, they do.

It is hard to see the light, to find the good, to believe consistently that everything in life happens for a reason. The lesson just is not there yet, I know the theory that you cannot appreciate the good without the bad but I have just about had my fill of the bad.

What else can I do or learn from this? It is hard not to be angry and feel that this has been some sort of test. Some sort of way to make me change everything about who I am, or maybe it is just forcing me to get back to who I was, the person I liked.

There was a time when nothing could stand in my way, I did what I wanted when I wanted and I didn’t care who else it impacted. But now I feel as though my whole life is out of my control, every decision that has any meaningful impact is being made for me, or without me.

The person that matters the most to me seems to not think of us at all. He is off on his own mission to find himself. Which in turn has forced me to realize all the things I have become that I said I would never be.

Change is good, and is something I must face, whether I am ready or not.