Sunday, April 12, 2009


I know I have been gone for a while, I am still struggling with what exactly I should be saying. Rather, what I want to be saying. 

I don't have clever TMI posts, or the secret project (not that I don't love those posts) but i have really been struggling to find my voice. 

I am going through a really rough or terrible  time in a relationship that has been a significant part of my life for the last four years. And I believe in signs, and I keep seeing signs to not give up, to hold on, to tough it out, but every time I think things cannot get any worse....they do. We try to communicate but there is so much baggage we individually carry that it is hard to get past those walls we both have built. 

I don't love myself and he doesn't know how to love anyone. Wonderful combination. 

I don't always want to write about this, but currently this is sort of my life. I feel foolish because I have lived in Dreamtown for two years, and I have made very few friends. I feel like I don't even remember how to make friends. I have friends from work but they are not the type of friends you share your whole life with, there are very few people I feel I can talk to who won't judge me. Not that I should care what people think. 

How do you get back to the beginning, without feeling like you are totally abandoning the other person? How do I make myself happy in this mess I have created? I changed my whole life's path for this relationship and for the life I thought it meant I would share with Officer. 

I was on the fast track in the advertising world (seriously) in the greatest city in America (and I don't mean NYC) and although Officer was not the entire reason I walked away from it all, he played a big part. Now I am in a much smaller city with an even smaller advertising community and it has made me feel lost in my career path because it is nothing like where I was before. You try to adapt and grow where the opportunities are but there  isn't the rush, the challenge, the change, the struggle to push yourself farther than you thought possible. 

In short I am utterly and completely .....L O S T 

1 comment:

  1. I have been trying to catch up with your posts and I had to comment on this one, since i've been through a similar experience (dated the ex for over four years).
    I believe in signs. There were many times I saw signs that I thought meant we were supposed to be together. Then there were times I saw signs that I thought meant we were supposed to break up. But I wouldn't do it, I couldn't do it. I loved him too much.
    When I finally picked up the phone, and told him I couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't because of a sign. It was because I was so tired, worn out, depleted. He had taken everything from me. I thought I would be alone for a long time.
    But even the thought of being alone seemed better than continuing my misery with him. I couldn't feel anymore like I was the last person/thing he cared about. I want to start crying right now thinking of that moment. It was an extreme low for me. But doing it meant that I was allowing myself to be happy, I was setting myself free.
    Pay attention to the signs, but never underestimate your heart.