Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Things I need to get off my chest

So months ago, maybe no months LuLu did a great post where she wrote little snippets to people without saying who she was directly speaking to...I loved the idea so here goes.

You were wrong, I am lovable. I am not a fat cow and I am not alone. I have not been alone in years because I have some wonderful friends (if they live in this city or not). I never understood why you called me 20 times that night (you know the night, years after we saw eachother last) or why you have not called since but you were an asshole and for years I wished bad things for you. Now I know you were lashing out at me to look cool for the other kids.

I know you were unfaithful to me, I know you would lie to my face all the time but I think we both know I dished it back. But what you told me day in and day out has damaged me forever. Thank you for telling me all the time that you wouldnt love me if I gained weight. I was a college athlete, in better shape than most woman can dream of, but that was still never good enough for you. I know now that you were not enough for me and that I put up with your crap for far to long.

I remember now, what you did to me when I was five and you were ten and then again when we were older. I didn't until you made a joke about it, then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is not a joke. I thought for years that you and I had this amazing connection. It turns out you were just the first boy who kissed me, who did other things to me when I was all too young. I though you were the love of my life for over 15 years. Turns out, that was just a defense mechanism, to protect me from you. I convinced myself that you and I had a connection, well we do. But is is not one you should be proud of, what you did me has forever altered the way I see men and sex. All I wanted to do was be with you, the only thing I wanted to do was make you happy, but it was all a lie. I was too young for what you did to me, what you said I wanted you to do. Why can I not pull myself away from you.

You threated to kill me, why would I owe you an apology?

So I think that is enough for tonight, they are not well thought out and seem to ramble on. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

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