Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Looking Back...Questioning

So I was reading this and then this:

But either way it really got me thinking. I pulled out all of my old journals and started reading, kept reading and then read some more. And it is true we seem to easily forget the disappointment we have been feeling for a while. The things we tell ourselves are going to change, things we don’t think we wont put up with ever again. As you read you realize everything you said you would never put up with again is what you have been living with for month’s maybe even years. The things you thought would change are the things that have driven a wedge so deep between the two of you that you feel you can never recover. Because communication was lost, walls were built and change was halted because each person has too concerned with protecting themselves and not dealing with their own issues that they are unable to be in a successful mature relationship.

Then you start to wonder, even with therapy, even with years of patience could you ever bring back the passion? Could the relationship be successful?

Could We ever be successful? Why can I not get past the comfort and see that the issue we are having have only gotten worse. His unfaithfulness and lying are progressing. Why I am pathetic enough to stay, why do I believe in him so much? Because I don’t trust him, and I tormented by terrible thoughts of what he could be doing, what he has done. Things that make me stick to my stomach and make it hard to look him in the eye. I question everything, every single thing that comes out of his mouth. Why can I not just tell him to get out of my life?? How many times can I go through this?

I believe that relationships have cycles, you are not always head over heals for each other, people fall in and out of love but they are still committed to one another. Committed to working on it every day, knowing that the person they are with is their match, but how they know I have no idea.

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